


The Most Beautiful Mistake

by Lily Saint Claire (JewLo)



Series: Beautiful Minds [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: A little bit of everything, Dark, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-20 10:55:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 31,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4784744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JewLo/pseuds/Lily%20Saint%20Claire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron has trouble dealing with his feelings for Spencer Reid, but when a psychotic killer comes between them, he must set aside his fears and face the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Matter Of Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron finds himself alone with Spencer Reid.

The low hum of panic was always there. A faintly buzzing nerve stayed steady just under his ribs every day, every moment. Since the divorce, he worried about Haley every day. He worried about Jack. He worried about his team. When Haley filed for divorce, he gave her the house and moved out, buying a first floor walk up and renting what furniture he needed. He had never shopped for furniture in his life. He picked rooms out of a catalog and didn’t think of it again. He hung one bright painting of a swirling sunrise over the fireplace because Jack said everything was dark blue and gray… like him. He had a spare bedroom for Jack which he filled with toys and games and a bed shaped like a race car. Aaron hated the empty house. He was lonely. 

It was raining hell bent when Aaron came home to that empty house on a Friday night. Changing into street clothes, he looked at himself in the mirror. He had aged ten years in two. It had been months since he slept in a bed with another person. After Haley left, there had been a handful of easily forgotten one night stands that never felt right. Just a way to ease the loneliness for a few hours. To be exact, there had been three women and one man, all of whom forgot him as easily as he forgot them. Now, looking in on the bedroom that had never known love or true warmth, he decided he could not spend another night alone. Just being around other people might help to ease the pain. He grabbed his coat and car keys and felt the low hum of panic become numb and static. 

His plan was just to be around people, to not be alone. A little music, a drink or two and maybe he could loosen up. Maybe he could sleep that night and not care. The place was a downtown bar, the old fashioned kind with none of the downtown hipster nonsense that had flooded the area recently. The music was decent. The scotch was better. He settled in and took a while to check his text messages. I’m that guy at the bar who can’t look up from his phone, he thought with a bit of distaste. He forced himself to put it away when an attractive blond sided up to him and started flirting. Aaron did not really know how to flirt. He was not sure he was capable of flirting. This woman was quite overt with it, and the oversexed attitude turned him off. He looked for a way out of the conversation without being rude but the woman was pushy and seemed desperate for attention. It was then that his eyes focused on a familiar shift at the back of the room. A tall and slender figure that blended into the dark wood paneled room. He saw the rich brown sweater, the Burberry scarf and the long pale fingers that were wrapped around a glass of whiskey that looked like it hadn’t been sipped from at all. It was Reid, and he was alone. 

“Excuse me,” Aaron said, sliding away from the woman. “I see an old friend.”

Taking his scotch, he went to Reid’s table, pocketed discretely in the back of the room. He realized that for some reason he did not understand, he was nervous. Perhaps it was because he had rarely seen Spencer Reid outside of work, and the young man seemed strangely unearthly. He was a little too thin, a little too long limbed, a little too pale. The faint blue circles under his eyes made him seem haunted and in the dim orange glow of the bar, he looked completely out of place. He had a leather-bound journal in front of him and he was sketching. Aaron felt guilty interrupting him, but it seemed rude not to as well. 

“Reid, I hope I’m not interrupting…”

The young man looked up and smiled, his boyish youth charming and at odds with his brilliance. For a moment he looked confused, as if seeing a ghost and not quite believing his own eyes.

“Hotchner…”

“Just Aaron outside of work, please.”

“Would you like to join me?”

“I would love to, Reid.’

“Spencer. Just Spencer.”

Aaron settled in and watched Spencer fidget for a moment, his long fingers tapping the table top in a pattern only Spencer understood. 

“I didn’t know you sketch.”

“I sketch and paint people I see… just people I find interesting. Unique faces.”

Spencer flipped pages of his journal and Aaron watched as dozens of fantastic illustrations passed by, the faces of people with unique features, all rendered beautifully and almost realistic except for the eyes. The eyes were rendered brighter and in vivid color against the rest of the sketch done in fluid ink. The sketches were exquisite. 

“You’re an amazing artist, Spencer. I had no idea.”

The page turned and Aaron saw a sketch of himself. His own face, stern and hard edged rendered in deep black ink with tones of sepia, eyes done in deep amber with flecks of green. 

“Sorry about that. I should not have shown you that,” Spencer stammered.

“Why not?”

“Well, it’s not very professional of me to show you that.”

“I think it’s a beautiful piece and I’m flattered that you chose me as a subject.”

They talked about art, a subject Aaron had not thought about much at all since college, but talking to Spencer was unexpectedly flowing and natural. Spencer spouted off his usual long and drawn out facts about the subject, but none of this bothered Aaron and he realized then that Spencer’s rants had never bothered him the way they bothered the rest of the team. Spencer asked questions. He engaged. He let the flow go back and forth and Aaron could tell it was a practiced thing for him. He asked about Jack. He asked about Haley. He asked how Aaron how he was doing since the divorce and Aaron realized he had not really spoken about it to anyone. He had no one to talk to. Weirdly, Spencer was a gentle shoulder to lean on. Spencer didn’t offer platitudes or advice. How could he? He simply listened. The relief was fantastic. Aaron found himself relaxing for the first time in months. He was surprised when he checked his watch and saw that they had been talking for three hours. He was even more surprised that his body was responding to every movement Spencer made. 

Spencer smiled with a little twitch of his cheek. He moistened his lips while he listened. He tucked a lock of hair behind his ear and Aaron couldn’t take his eyes away. He admitted to himself that he had always found Spencer a beautiful creature. There were plenty of times that he had not been able to take his eyes off of Spencer, but he had always snapped back and convinced himself it was just Spencer’s… strangeness. He once had a dream about making love to Spencer, and in the morning dismissed it as nonsense. The fact was, he was attracted to Dr. Spencer Reid, but what could be done about it? Nothing. 

The bar was closing and a waitress gave them both a knowing look and smiled. 

“We should let them close up,” Spencer said.

“Yeah, I suppose we should get home and get some sleep.”

“I need to call a taxi but my phone is out of battery…”

“I can drive you home,” Aaron offered, feeling a strange little tingle just beneath his skin. 

“Are you sure you don’t mind? I don’t live far from here.”

“Not at all.”

And Aaron was grabbing Spencer’s coat and holding it out for him to put on, the way he would for a woman, or for a date. He wasn’t sure why he was doing this. It just felt natural. Spencer didn’t question it and so he filed it away as random. He held the door open for Spencer. Same thing. Random. Even though that tingle said something else. Attraction. He resisted an urge to open the car door for Spencer. No, that would not do. The young man would probably call him out on it. Spencer might be a little bit wan and fae but he was no weakling and he did not need coddling. Still, there had always been something about him that made Aaron have to resist being over-protective of him. The rain was not letting up, and he watched as Spencer drew little pictographs on the foggy sheen of the car window. Mathematical equations. X+y+z!=x+y. 

“Except when Z equals zero,” Aaron said.

“Hmm?” Spencer said sleepily.

“Your equation. Something is exactly what it is, except when it is not. Except that every once in a while Z equals zero.”

“That’s correct. Philosophically, people are exactly what they seem, except when they aren’t. I think you can judge a book by its cover.”

“I don’t,” Aaron admitted. “I think that you might be surprised what I think or feel. It might not be what you think at all.”

They were quiet for a while as Aaron turned through the streets in the rain. Only the sound of the artificial GPS navigator voice punctured the silence. 

“You always worry about what everyone else needs,” Spencer said, his eyes shifting from the collar of Aaron’s shirt to the denim at his thigh. “But you don’t take in to consideration that you have needs too. I think that is pretty obvious.”

“OK you’re right about that.”

“And I think you’re lonely. I think you’re lonely and you need emotional and physical affection but you’ve got too much integrity to go home with a desperate bar fly like the one who was trying to hook you at the bar.”

“Guilty.”

“And I think…” Spencer hesitated, moistening his lips again and blushing pink. “I think you feel some attraction towards me and maybe you have for a while, but you think I’ll reject you, or maybe I’ll think of it as a breech of protocol.”

Aaron looked at the young man and decided that lying about it was pointless. Spencer could spot a lie. 

“It is definitely a breech of protocol, Spencer. And as for you rejecting me, I don’t think you would.”

“You’re right, I wouldn’t. As long as I could be sure it wouldn’t interfere with my job, I don’t think I would find any fault with it at all.”

“Where are we going with this, Spencer?”

The navigation map blinked red. They were in Spencer’s driveway.

“I think you’re coming upstairs with me.”

Aaron hesitated, and felt the tingle become a chill.

“Yeah, I think I am.”

 

A blast of warm air welcomed them in from the cold rain. A lamp was switched on and Aaron looked around to see an obsessively neat living room filled with books, insect specimens framed on the wall, a collection of minerals in a glass case and movie posters on the wall of obscure cinema. Movies in Russian and Swedish. There was an antique Victrola record player and a neatly organized stack of records. French and Italian opera. Near a bay window was an art desk, possibly the only thing in the house that was not obsessively organized. The desk was littered with ink bottles and brushes. Spencer laid his leather messenger bag on the desk near the door and turned around to look right into Aaron’s eyes.

“I want this. In case you’re wondering if I don’t.”

Aaron said nothing, but began unbuttoning Spencer’s coat, and Spencer did nothing to stop him. He stood still, letting Aaron push the heavy wool off of his shoulders. None of this felt real. Like touching a beautiful ghost. This would be trouble. Of course it would. At work, it would all blow up in his face. Of course it would. If anyone found out, he could lose his position. If anyone found out… but Spencer was looking at him as if he was something to be examined, with that inquisitive curl of his eyebrow and Aaron didn’t want to walk away. He was suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to just fall in and do as he pleased. Real desire. He embraced Spencer, crushing the slender young man against him. Beautiful, just absolutely beautiful, tall and willowy. Cashmere sweater and fine baby soft skin covered with a faint shadow of wiry hairs. Both masculine and feminine. He kissed Spencer’s mouth, hard and feverish until he felt the young man’s hesitation and backed off.

“Spencer, we don’t have to do this. Actually, we shouldn’t do this, and if you don’t want to…”

“No, that’s not it at all. I want to. I just… I mean, I…”

“You what?”

“I haven’t done this before.”

A long moment of pause. Aaron stroked his face and tucked a lock of stray hair behind his ear. 

“With men or women?”

“Either. Well, there was once when it happened but… it um… turned out violent.”

“Someone hurt you?”

“It was with a man and um… he didn’t take no for an answer.”

“I would never hurt you, Spencer. Ever. We can just call it a night and that’s all right.”

“No! I mean, I want this. Don’t worry, I know what I want. I’ve thought about this for a long time, about being with a man like you. I want my first time to be with you.”

Aaron closed his eyes and tried to summon up the will power to back away and failed. Spencer’s long fingers were stroking his collar.

“We can go slow,” Aaron said, and kissed Spencer again, this time soft and with little nips at the young man’s bottom lip. It made Spencer flush beautifully pink and shiver. 

“Aaron, I want to do this so badly, but to be honest… it makes me nervous and there is a chance I might… I might change my mind or get scared or remember something terrible and…”

“Spencer, look at me. If you change your mind, I’ll stop. Simple as that. If I do something you don’t like, I’ll stop. And I know you can’t always verbalize well, so if you want me to stop, just grab my shoulders, all right? Spencer, I’m not a horny teenage boy. I can put the brakes on.”

“And you won’t be angry?”

Aaron kissed his lips again and felt Spencer melt against him.

“No, genius, I won’t be angry. We can take all night. Or not all all. Whatever you want.”

With that, Spencer seemed to let go of his inhibitions for a moment and kissed Aaron full force, sliding hands up Aaron’s fleece jacket to feel the broad expanse of his chest. 

“We should go to the bed,” Spencer said, a little breathlessly. “It will be so good in the bed.”

“Anything you want.”

Aaron didn’t really remember how he got upstairs, or how long it had taken. He only knew that Spencer was pressed against him and the bed was right behind them and Spencer’s fingertips were exploring everything. Spencer traced fingertips over the cotton of Aaron’s white tee shirt and down to the belt of his jeans. The fleece jacket was on the floor somewhere. He didn’t care where. Spencer’s fingertips traced over the muscles of his chest and back down again as if he were memorizing every contour. Just let him take his time, Aaron thought. He learns differently than everyone else. He probably experiences pleasure differently too. 

Aaron stood still, letting Spencer explore unhindered. No pressure. No expectation, even though an erection was growing and becoming more obvious in Aaron’s jeans. It was this that Spencer was hesitant about touching. His fingertips hovered over the denim and the zipper. 

“Spencer, you can do anything you want.”

Long, pale fingers, as soft as a girl’s opened Aaron’s zipper and slipped down the front of the denim, underneath boxer shorts. Spencer hesitantly gripped the hardening shaft and tested Aaron’s response. Aaron stood still, allowing the young man to have the lead. He only reached out to stroke Spencer’s mop of fawn colored hair as Spencer explored. Aaron resisted the urge to toss the young man back on the bed and kiss every inch of him, but he didn’t want to disturb this meditation. Spencer was nervous and shy, almost painfully shy and it pulled at Aaron’s heartstrings. He could not imagine what kind of monster would ever hurt someone like Spencer, even with all of the monsters he knew existed in the world. Maybe he was making a mistake. Maybe he was taking advantage.

“Spencer, are you sure?”

“Yes, I want this, and I want this with you. Please, don’t treat me like a baby. Does this feel… good?” Spencer asked, giving his cock a little squeeze.

“Mmm, yes.”

Aaron kissed soft, moist lips and felt Spencer’s mouth relent, giving him room to explore with his tongue. Aaron unbuttoned the little brass buttons of Spencer’s cashmere sweater and pushed it down his shoulders to his wrists behind his back, gently pinning his wrists there for just a moment. He felt Spencer moan into his mouth and gripped his wrists a little tighter.

“Is this all right?” he asked, getting a nod from Spencer.

He unbuttoned the shirt underneath and opened it to reveal a pale, slender chest, beautifully long torso. Gorgeous really. He kissed a trail over the angle of Spencer’s jaw, over his neck and behind his ear, which made him shudder. He kept Spencer’s hands behind his back with a gentle but firm pressure. He kissed along the pale column of his throat and the flat plain of his chest, lingering to catch a dusky pink nipple in his mouth and then move the sweet torment to the other. Aaron slid down to sit at the edge of the bed, gripping Spencer’s slender hips and kissing down to his navel. 

“Does this feel good?” Aaron whispered against Spencer’s navel.

“Yes, so good…”

Spencer slipped off his shoes and Aaron wasted no time in unfastening his pants and tugging them down long, elegant legs. Spencer was hard, and a blush of pink flushed over him from shyness. He turned his head and closed his eyes, a pained look on his young face.

“What’s wrong?” Aaron asked.

“Sorry, I’m just… I’ve never even been naked in front of anyone. That’s ridiculous, isn’t it?”

“No, and you have nothing to be shy about. This…” Aaron kissed up his chest and down again. “Is gorgeous, and this…” he dipped down to kiss the head of Spencer’s eager cock. “Is long and hard.” 

Spencer gasped when Aaron took him in his mouth and began to suck in long, slow strokes. Aaron slid down to his knees and thought about nothing but making this young man feel pleasure. His loneliness was forgotten. His own desire was forgotten. He felt Spencer’s breath quicken and his pulse begin to race. He was close. 

“Aaron… Aaron, I’m going to… I can’t help it… don’t want to… I mean… don’t want to in your mouth… seems rude…”

But Aaron did not let go. He drank him down until Spencer buckled over and gasped, grabbing onto his shoulders, shuddering and unable to stand. Aaron rose up and held Spencer up in his arms. 

“So sorry…”

“Why?” Aaron asked, whispering in Spencer’s ear.

“I didn’t mean to finish like that… so quickly and…”

“Shh, don’t apologize. There is nothing to be sorry for.”

“I’m dizzy,” Spencer said flatly, almost comically.

“It’s like that sometimes.”

“I want to make you feel that way too.”

Spencer tugged at Aaron’s white tee shirt and Aaron slid it up over his head and tossed it aside. 

“You look so good like this,” Spencer said, leaning in to kiss bare, warm flesh over taut muscle. “Just jeans. That’s… wow.”

“Spencer, are you for once in your life at a loss for words?”

Spencer smiled and seemed to relax just a tiny bit. Still, he was wound tight and as frightened as a cat. He was also clearly determined to battle whatever shy and frightened demons he had and he leaned in to kiss Aaron again, a little more forcefully, a little more confident. Spencer moistened his lips and Aaron felt a rumble in his own chest, something he did without thinking and always had done when he was aroused. 

“Did you just growl at me?” Spencer smiled and made Aaron blush. Aaron couldn’t remember the last time he blushed. “I like that low, guttural sound. It’s strange, I feel a visceral reaction to that sound, like a thick, dark pulse. My blood pressure is elevated. My heartbeat is faster. My skin is flushed. Is that goosebumps…? I’m sure my pupils are dilated… my mouth is dry… I’ve read about this, but it feels so strange…”

Aaron did not tell him to be quiet the way most people did when Spencer started ranting. 

“Aaron, I… I don’t really know how to do this. I mean, I know how it’s done, of course, but I don’t… I’m not practiced…”

“Shh, I know. It’s OK. You don’t have to do anything, Spencer. I don’t expect anything.”

“I want to. I just want you to know that I wish I was better at it because I wish I could make you feel the way you made me feel.”

Aaron kissed him because he couldn’t not kiss him, and he felt a pull at his heart that was frightening. Don’t fall in love with the kid, he thought. It can’t go anywhere. It would ruin both of us. But still, there was room for kindness, for patience and for passion. He could allow that much. Things will go back to normal on Monday, he thought. Sure, keep telling yourself that. Don’t think of it. He felt Spencer’s hands tugging down his jeans and he shrugged out of the rest of his clothes. He was not a shy man by any means. He wasn’t cocky about it, but he had nothing to be shy about. He and Haley had a sexually liberated relationship that often involved third partners, both male and female. He knew what he was doing. It was clear that Spencer did not. He was not only a virgin, but any profiler worth his salt could make an educated guess (Spencer would call it ‘inference’) that Spencer had limited or perhaps even zero exposure to sexually graphic material. The young man’s hands trembled and he seemed completely at a loss for what to do. However, none of the tired and recycled cliches of sex existed with Spencer. Later Spencer would call this “arbitrary gymnastics” with a look of distaste. Aaron reminded himself that Spencer’s generation learned about giving and receiving pleasure from movies and pornography, neither of which depicted actual technique or joy. When Spencer touched him, it was completely new. He had no preconceived notion of what should be done. So, when Spencer pressed his cheek against the slope of Aaron’s pelvis and rubbed the back of his hand over his thigh, it might have seemed weird to anyone else, but Aaron knew it was just Spencer. 

“You’re so symmetrical,” Spencer said, fluttering the back of his hand over the scattering of dark wiry hairs on Aaron’s chest. Always the back of his hand, with gently curled fingertips. Strange and yet beautiful with those long, pale fingers. “You know, the ancient Egyptians, particularly in the pre-biblical dynasties desired symmetry so much as a staple of beauty that they often…”

“Spencer.”

“Hmm?”

“No lessons tonight, OK. But you can tell me later.”

“Right. Sorry.” Spencer’s look was pained. He was out of his element. Knowledge was his connection to all things and without the ability to share it, he looked confused.

“Nothing to be sorry about.”

“It’s big,” Spencer said, suddenly reduced to simplistic statements.

“I suppose it is.” 

“How bad does it hurt? I mean, when it, you know… goes inside. Seems like it would hurt.”

“We don’t have to do that. Not tonight. Not ever if you don’t want to.”

“Oh, I do want to. I just have no idea what it might feel like.”

Aaron looked down at the young man who knelt on the floor looking up at him with such innocent eyes for someone who had seen so much darkness. Those long fingers took his cock in hand and Aaron felt the spark of pleasure from Spencer’s warm, wet mouth. He was hesitant, taking a moment to taste and explore. His hesitant touches turned into more confident strokes and Aaron could not resist running his fingers through that mop of wavy hair. The first time Spencer nicked him with his teeth, Aaron held back a wince. The second time, he jolted. The third time he said ‘easy now, no biting’ and the fourth time, he decided he needed to instruct the young man a bit before it could go on anymore. He pulled Spencer up and kissed him to mask that he had to end the botched attempt at oral sex. 

“I’m terrible at it, aren’t I?” Spencer whispered, looking defeated.

“There is time to learn, and it doesn’t matter anyway. Tonight is about you. Don’t worry about me.”

“The second drawer, in the red cigar box,” Spencer said with a flat tone.

“Ah, I see.”

Aaron reached into the drawer and found a cigar box with a hand full of condoms, a small tube of lubricant and two rolled joints. He was surprised by this but said nothing about it. 

“I’ve been planning on experimenting for a while. I’ve wanted to experience sex with someone but not with a stranger. I can’t do it with a stranger.”

“You want to be on bottom?” Aaron asked.

“Hmm?”

“Do you want to be the giver or the receiver?”

“I didn’t think you would give me that option to be honest.”

“Well, I am giving you that option. I enjoy both ways.”

“I think I want you to be… the more aggressive partner.”

Aaron smiled softly and nodded.

“Try to relax, Spencer. Remember, I’ll stop any time, no matter what.”

Spencer took a deep breath and then nodded. It didn’t take long to make Spencer hard again. He coaxed him to lay on the bed and arch one leg at the knee. It would be the least painful position. Perhaps not the most exciting one. Baby steps. He kissed the back of Spencer’s neck, parting the curtain of stray locks of hair and kissing down the spine to the small of his back. He could feel Spencer tremble under him. He was afraid. Aaron reminded himself that someone had forced Spencer at some point, and this trauma had lingered. 

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No.”

“I’ll be gentle. I promise.”

“I trust you.”

And that, he knew, was hard for him to say. 

Aaron pulled Spencer close, his slender back against Aaron’s chest and he covered the slender body with his, tucking Spencer under him. He let his weight bear down on Spencer, knowing he would probably like that. He held himself aloft and reached down between them to caress the curve of Spencer’s ass. He popped the cap from the little tube and wet two fingers, reaching down again to find trembling flesh. Spencer bit his lip and winced when Aaron’s fingers slipped into the crease, working at the tiny hole. Aaron felt him tense and dipped down to kiss the back of his neck to calm him.

“This part won’t hurt at all,” Aaron whispered.

“Sorry, I’m just… scared.”

“I know.” Aaron felt him tighten when he rubbed his fingertip against the impossibly tight passage. “Relax, Spencer. Try to relax.”

He felt Spencer take a deep, meditative breath and nod and then wince when he found his way inside. He worked him for a while, feeling every little shift and hitched breath until those uncomfortable shifts gave way to small undulations of his hips. Aaron found that magic spot and kissed the back of his neck until he heard moans and felt the sheen of sweat on his back. He could tell that Spencer was trying to control his response, to lessen it.

“Let go. It’s OK to let go.”

“I just don’t want to, you know, finish too soon.”

“Don’t worry about it. You’re young. I can get you hard again in thirty seconds.”

Spencer smiled at that. 

“The response time for typical males of my age is, in fact, on average…”

“Spencer.”

“Sorry. Oh! That feels… like sparks inside me.”

“We can do this all night.”

“But I want this,” Spencer reached behind him and took Aaron’s cock in hand. Grip a little too firm. Aaron stifled a gasp. “Inside me. I mean, unless you don’t want to. I wouldn’t expect you to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I do want to, Spencer. More than you can imagine.”

“It’ll hurt though, right?”

“Yeah, baby. It will hurt a little.”

“Baby? Hmm. Why did you call me that?”

“I don’t know. Just deal with it.”

“Actually, I kind of like it. Terms of endearment have never been my strong point, but there is significant evidence to show that…”

“Spencer!” 

He brushed that magic spot again and Spencer jolted and shut up. Aaron reached for a condom and tore open the little packet, sliding the latex on and wetting it with slick gel. He went slow, pressing and waiting for Spencer to relax enough to break through. When he did, he felt Spencer jolt and then wince.

“Burns.”

“It will stop in a minute.”

“Feels good too. How can something that feels so good hurt so much at the same time?”

Aaron was patient, even though it felt like being tortured, wanting to lose control with Spencer and pound him into the mattress. 

“Tell me when you’re ready.”

Spencer slowly pushed back on him, undulating his hips again. Aaron went up on his knees, pulling Spencer up to position him on his hands and knees in one swift motion. He held onto Spencer’s shoulder as he pumped into him and felt Spencer gasp and moan. Good, yes. Perfect. It felt like white hot liquid fire. He let himself go a little harder, a little faster, feeling Spencer push back and sigh. Reaching under him, he gripped and stroked Spencer’s cock until the young man cried out, shaking and clamping down on him.

“Aaron… I can’t help it. Can’t hold out…”

“It’s OK, baby. Let go.”

And he did, then bit his lip and began to buck against him, pushing all the way back to let Aaron sink all the way inside him. Liquid fire. He found that spot again and brushed against it with each thrust until Spencer was a trembling heap of flesh beneath him, face turned to the side, mouth parted, lips moist and eyes glossy. Beautiful. He reached out and took a handful of Spencer’s hair in his hand and felt the immediate response, the gasp and moan. He rode him that way until he found his release, collapsing over Spencer and embracing him until the dizziness passed. He turned Spencer over and kissed his mouth until his eyelids fluttered.

“Are you all right?” Aaron asked.

“Can we do it again?”

Aaron laughed and kissed his cheek.

“You may be twenty-something and able to get hard in half a minute but I’m not that spry. I think round two might have to wait until next time.”

“So, there will be a next time?”

Aaron hesitated, wondering if he was making the biggest mistake ever, but he couldn’t lie to himself. He wanted to see Spencer again, outside of work. He wanted to know him better, not just in bed. 

“Yes, I would like that.”

“And… we can keep this separate from work, can’t we?”

“I think so. At work, I’m still your boss, still Agent Hotchner. You’re still Dr. Reid. Nothing has changed about that.”

“We can compartmentalize,” Spencer said, and leaned in to kiss Aaron’s collarbone. “Stay the night then?”

“You don’t mind?”

“Not at all.”

Aaron hoped this was not a huge mistake. The thing was, it didn’t feel like a mistake at all. It felt exactly right, and that scared him more than any monster he had ever battled.


	2. A Cold Winter Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the team goes to Yosemite National Park to investigate a series of murders, Hotchner and Reid find themselves sharing a bedroom and wondering what the hell they've gotten themselves into.

It didn’t feel real. None of it felt real. A delicious warmth and soreness ached as he woke to a beam of sunshine through the curtains. He rolled over and buried his face into the pillow, then reached to the other side of the bed, finding it cold and empty. He found a neatly folded paper that he held up in the beam of light.

I’ll see you at work, Dr. Reid.  
\- SSA Aaron Hotchner

That made the situation clear, and Spencer appreciated that reminder that they both had to go back to a professional life and pretend to not be lovers. He got out of bed and went straight to the shower in a sleepy haze, letting the steam relax the ache. Sunday mornings were usually a routine of study and contemplation; Latin, the foundation of the romance languages, and his usual reading of his favorite passages of The Divine Comedy, a familiar and welcome ritual that made him feel something like happiness, or at least contentment. This Sunday morning, he had trouble focusing. He lit a fire in the fireplace and made a cup of strong tea, struggling to find his mental ground. He thought of Aaron. He could not stop thinking of Aaron and it made him feel that tingle under his skin. Warm and dark and pulsing and it went straight to his thighs. He went to the kitchen to pop a couple of frozen waffles into the toaster and sat down to sketch in his journal. When his cell phone buzzed, he stabled a fork into a waffle and gulped down a full cup of coffee.

“Aaron… excuse me, Hotchner, yes?”

“Reid, I need you in the briefing room within the hour. We have a serial case, four people missing in Yosemite National Park and two bodies found this morning.”

“Mixed genders?”

“Yes, and people taken in a high risk area. A lot of tourists on those trails and the snow is melting evidence and washing out our crime scene.”

“I’m getting in the car right now.”

“See you soon.”

Spencer grabbed his keys and headed out in the rain which was fast turning into hail. His go-bag was in the back seat of the car and he took a few seconds to fish out driving gloves because the steering wheel was almost frozen. The drive seemed to pass by in a flash. The briefing went even quicker. The plane was waiting. Things were back to normal, except the warm, pleasurable ache in his limbs and the tingle on his skin when Aaron looked at him. Spencer found himself staring at Aaron just a few seconds too long, and Aaron caught this and glared at him, reminding him of his place. Spencer nodded, sat up straighter and focused on the file at hand. 

The plane hummed and rattled down the tarmac as hail pelted the thick casings of the windows. Everyone looked nervous, hands fidgeting and tightening seat belts. Spencer looked out the window and calculated the odds of surviving a pre-flight collision. The odds were good, and he relaxed. He trusted numbers. He wanted to say something comforting, but he knew that when he tried to say comforting things, people called it rambling. He bit his lip instead. He saw Emily inhale and hold it too long, a sign of fear. He wanted to reach out and hold her hand, but he thought that might be inappropriate. He was not really sure. It was hard to tell with normal people, and normal people always thought he was weird. Glancing to the side, he saw Aaron looking at him a little too long, and he gave Aaron a ‘Hotch-glare’ then smiled when the older man jolted a little and broke eye contact, remembering their professional roles. 

“What are you grinning about?” Rossi asked, startling Spencer out of his reverie. 

“Hmm?”

“You look different this morning. What did you do to your hair?”

“Combed it.”

“Ah. There’s a little glow in you today and it clearly ‘aint the weather. I think, Dr. Reid, you might have had a hot date last night.”

“Oh really?”

“So, who was the lucky young lady?”

“No one you would know,” Spencer replied, but he couldn’t lie and make eye contact and Rossi was too damned good to miss a lie. Rossi tilted his head, found Spencer’s eyes and nodded. 

“Spence, was it Prentiss?”

“No, don’t be ridiculous.”

“Well, you two seem close.”

“No, it wasn’t Emily. It wasn’t… anyone.”

“OK, OK. I read you. None of my business anyway. Well, whoever she is, you should see her again. You’ve got that glow.”

Spencer glanced at Aaron for just a moment and it was just a moment too long. Rossi caught it. Spencer could tell, and he went back to studying the case file, hoping Rossi would dismiss it as nothing. Rossi made a ‘hmph’ sound and turned his head to go back to reading Epicurian Magazine. The flight was long, and three hours later, almost everyone was napping. Light blazed through the windows, the crisp winter clear and relieved of the rain and hail. They were somewhere over Oklahoma and Spencer had spent the last hour sketching in his journal, a pocket moleskin notebook he took with him in his go-bag. He didn’t even realize what he was sketching. It was only when Aaron passed by and brushed a large, warm hand over Spencer’s shoulder that Spencer snapped to reality and saw that he had been sketching two figured entangled on a bed. Two nude figures, both male, limbs entwined. He quickly closed the sketchbook and slipped it back into his messenger bag. Rossi set a steaming cup of peppermint tea in front of Spencer and again, he could not make eye contact. Had Rossi seen the drawing? There was a knowing look in the man’s eye. But then again, there was always a knowing look in Rossi’s eye. 

The plane touched down in Sacramento, California and a ground team quickly met them with federal cars and a field team that frankly talked too much about nothing for Spencer’s taste. One of them played AC/DC loudly on his iPod until Aaron glared at him and the man quickly put it away. 

“This is gonna be a long fuckin’ drive,” the man said, sounding annoyed and Spencer was happy when the man got into a different car and took off with Morgan and JJ. The rest of the field team piled into a van and that left Reid with Aaron, Rossi and Prentiss. 

“The maps indicate a geographical spread that is unusually large for an unsub of this type. He is kidnapping hikers in a very patrolled area. Even though the locations of the kidnappings are remote, Yosemite is a very trafficked location in all parts. The dumping site is is small reservoir just outside of Groveland, California which sits on the outer perimeter of the National Park. Groveland is also a highly trafficked area, a tourist location full of vacation homes owned by upper middle class white collar families. The unsub is taking people in the park, keeping them for exactly six days and then dumping them at Groveland, which is forty-two minutes outside of Yosemite Valley. The latest victim is Rachel Holloway, caucasian, age 28, a clerk in a retail shop in a small town called Twaine Harte. The previous victim was a male, James Suskin, age 35, a sales clerk at an outdoor sporting goods shop in San Antonio, Texas. None of the victims lived in the immediate area. The only connection between them seems to be that they all worked in the retail industry. James Suskin was found two weeks ago after being held for six days, then stabbed fourteen times. There was evidence of post mortem bruising that suggests the unsub continued to damage the body with punches and kicks after the victim was already dead.”

“Talk about overkill,” Prentiss interjected.

“Each of the victim’s families received a typed letter from the unsub, bragging about his physical prowess,” Rossi said.

“Reid, get Garcia on the phone…”

Business as usual. Reid lost himself in statistics, equations and geography and for a while, didn’t think about last night at all.

 

Yosemite Valley was a postcard beautiful scene from a winter wonderland. A thick blanket of snow covered everything. Icicles dripped from the bare branches of trees and the overhangs of rooftops. Driving through the stunning landscape, it was easy to forget the gruesome murders had taken place and their focus needed to be there. Prentiss was on the phone with the field office. 

“By the time we get to the valley, the trails will be too dark to get anything done. Sacramento Field Office has set us up with a house in Groveland. The Richmond family has graciously volunteered their vacation house but we’ll all have to double up in the rooms. We’ll get supplies at the local market and get set up tonight, then go in early in the morning to the trails and see what we can do from there. It will be dark in an hour.”

The house was nicer than any house any of them had ever lived in, one of those sprawling wrap around deck vacation homes that were rented out to high paying tourists visiting Yosemite. JJ and Prentiss quickly called dibs on a bedroom with French doors that led out to the deck. Rossi and Morgan laid their suitcases in the second bedroom and that left Aaron and Spencer in the third room, which no one seemed to think of as odd at all. The thought of sharing a room with Aaron in a house full of his team members made Spencer a little light headed. JJ confiscated the huge coffee table in the living room for laptops and stacks of files and maps. Rossi and Prentiss drove to the market to buy supplies. Rossi planned to make dinner for everyone. 

Spencer sat through dinner and struggled to stay engaged and not stare out the window, or worse, stare at Aaron. Rossi lightened the mood with tales of trips to old Sicily to visit his family as a child. 

“We should all turn in early,” Aaron said. “We have a long day tomorrow and we start at the break of dawn.”

Spencer’s breath hitched in his throat. Prentiss and JJ hugged him goodnight and Rossi patted him on the back in a fatherly way and then gave him the strangest look with his sloe eyes. Rossi mumbled something but Spencer could not hear exactly what.

“Hmm?”

“Nothing, kiddo. Just have a really good night. Make sure to get some sleep.”

“Oh, um… OK.”

Spencer watched Rossi pass Aaron and slap him on the back. Spencer was certain he overheard Rossi say,

“Don’t wear the kid out, Hotch.”

Aaron did not seem to register the comment and replied with an arch of one eyebrow and a guttural “hmph?” Rossi smiled and walked to his bedroom. Spencer was in his pajamas by the time Aaron came to the bedroom. He had not realized he would be sharing a room with anyone and had brought his pajama pants that were covered with cartoon penguins and an oversized tee shirt that made him look childish. He was brushing his teeth when he glanced into the bedroom and saw Aaron running a hand through his short cropped black hair. Aaron stared at the bed… one bed, and went to a linen closet to search for extra blankets.

“What are you doing?” Spencer asked.

“I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“That would be detrimental to both of us getting any sleep tonight. You would be terribly uncomfortable and I would feel guilty all night.”

“Penguins?” Aaron looked at Spencer’s pajamas.

“Well, what’s on yours? Batman?”

Aaron smiled his secret smile at that and went to his go-bag, pulling out flannel plaid pajama pants and a fitted white tee shirt.

“Oh,” Spencer said dumbly, imagining Aaron in them. 

He watched as Aaron began to unbutton his jacket.

“Wait,” Spencer said suddenly. “Let me.”

There was a moment of hesitation, of lines being blurred, but Aaron nodded and stood still as Spencer stepped forward to loosen Aaron’s tie and pull the silk through the loop. Spencer opened Aaron’s dark blue jacket, the uniform he wore to work, his power suit. The jacket shrugged down Aaron’s shoulders and onto the bed, where Spencer took it and carefully hung it on a hanger and placed it in the closet as he did with each piece of clothing. Meticulous. Everything in its place. The crisp white shirt, the collar starched, the buttons opening to Spencer’s careful fingertips. Spencer slid down to his knees and took off Aaron’s shoes and socks, then back up again to finish the crisp white shirt and the belt at his waist. Aaron only moved to caress a lock of Spencer’s hair and tuck the stray lock behind an ear. The simple gesture made Spencer shiver. This is happening again, he thought. The idea made him warm. He moistened his lips without really realizing he was doing it, and Aaron’s hand shot up to grab his face and Aaron kissed him hard on the mouth. 

The kiss made him breathless and stunned him. Spencer could only stare at Aaron, those dark, too-stern eyes boring into him, challenging him. Spencer licked his lips again as Aaron held his face in hand, his grip sliding down to Spencer’s slender throat and then loosening to caress fingertips over the pulse. His lips moved to replace his fingertips and Spencer felt his knees go weak. Aaron was naked in front of him and Spencer was having trouble not simply grabbing and fumbling like an idiot. Aaron was patient, prepared to let this go at its own pace. Spencer felt his nerves on edge. This was still all new to him. His boss. His colleague. His mentor. His lover? Before Aaron, Spencer’s experiences with men had been half finished rumblings with boys, years ago, boys his age at the time, who never really got much further than kissing, and that one fateful time when he was with a man eighteen years older than him, the man who had no patience, no control, no respect. The time it all went wrong. He trusted Aaron, and yet still, when Aaron touched him, he struggled not to let those memories into his mind. Aaron was nothing like that. He was the best man Spencer had ever known. 

And so Spencer was determined to not be so timid as last time. He knew he could trust Aaron. If Spencer said no, Aaron would stop. Simple as that. Nothing to be afraid of, he told himself, though the words were not completely taking hold. He was afraid, despite the fact that he knew Aaron was a gentleman. He feared the memories that might spring up in his mind and completely shut down his body. Aaron tugged at the drawstring of Spencer’s flannel pants and reached a hand inside to stroke a hard cock. It felt so good, perfect pressure, perfect touch, a reminder that Aaron was skilled at this and could take the lead. His grip tightened, Aaron’s mouth covering the pulse at Spencer’s throat. Spencer gasped and made a little moaning sound. Aaron covered Spencer’s mouth with a hand and said, 

“Shh, can you stay quiet if I make you come?”

Just hearing that made Spencer’s mouth dry. He licked his lips again and felt that rumble in Aaron’s chest that drove him a bit crazy. 

“I’ll try.”

“No, don’t just try. I need you to be silent. They can’t hear us, Spencer, and Rossi and Morgan are right on the other side of that wall. Can you be quiet?”

Spencer nodded and gulped.

“Cover my mouth if you have to,” Spencer said. “I think I might… like that.”

Aaron smiled and it was wicked, sending a hot chill down Spencer’s spine. Aaron plucked at the cotton of Spencer’s oversized tee shirt.

“Take these off.”

Spencer hurried to shrug out of his clothes and then felt terribly exposed as he stood there naked in the chill of the room.

“It’s cold.”

“I’ll warm you up.”

Aaron suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders, spun him around so that his back was against Aaron’s broad chest and covered his mouth with one hand, the other snaking down in front of him to grip his cock again. Spencer could not help but moan but Aaron’s hand muffled the sound. 

“Tap out if you want me to stop,” Aaron whispered hotly against his ear. Spencer nodded and pressed back against him. “Does this turn you on?” 

Aaron clamped his hand down a little harder over Spencer’s mouth and Spencer nodded and reached a hand back frantically to try to feel any part of Aaron, any part at all. The rush of adrenaline made him breathless. He could think of nothing but this. Numbers, words and equations left him. There was only the heat of bodies, the warm embrace of Aaron’s arms, the hot breath on his neck. He could feel the hard length of Aaron’s cock against the small of his back. Spencer was never at a loss for words and yet now, all he could do was quiver. He was not cold anymore. A hot rush of warmth killed the chill. 

“Under the covers,” Aaron said, and kissed Spencer’s neck before letting him go. 

Spencer quickly darted under the goose down comforter on the bed and waited. He watched Aaron casually walk to his go-bag and unzip a pocket, coming back up again with a condom and a little pillow pocket of oil. There was nothing out of control about Aaron. He kept that stern composure he always had at work. Spencer felt foolish that he did not possess that kind of control. He was a quivering mess. He also realized he didn’t really care because Aaron felt so good. He wondered if it felt so good with other people, but decided the probability was low. Aaron peeled back the blanket and slid in with Spencer, covering them both from the cold. Spencer was overwhelmed. He inhaled and could not exhale, though he did not realize it was happening. Aaron kissed him and then parted his lips with his fingertips.

“Spencer, open your mouth,” Aaron gentled his voice and kissed Spencer’s forehead. “Breathe.”

“I can’t, Aaron. I feel dizzy…”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“God no.”

Aaron smiled at that and covered Spencer’s mouth with his, drawing the breath out of him. Spencer felt his head spin and lost control completely, grasping at Aaron’s shoulders, exploring the shifting muscles of Aaron’s back. He felt his face flush with heat, too hot really. He had a fever. Too excited. Stupidly excited, like a teenage boy, he thought. Not sophisticated at all. No control at all. Not like Aaron, who was calming him, brushing a gentle fingertip over Spencer’s lips and whispering,

“Take it easy.”

But a hot wet mouth was moving down to clamp down on a taut nipple and Spencer felt the breath leap out of him again. He closed his eyes and felt Aaron raised up on his knees, heard the little condom packet tear open and then Aaron’s large, warm hands were on Spencer’s thighs, grabbing him and pulling him toward Aaron in one easy motion that made Spencer moan. 

“Shh.”

“OK.”

Fingers slick with oil pressed against that secret spot and pushed inside, and Spencer struggled to bite down on his lip hard enough to stay quiet. Aaron moved Spencer’s legs up over his shoulders and bore down over him, replacing his fingers with the thick head of his cock. It hurt. It burned and stretched, but Spencer wanted it so badly that he could barely register the discomfort. Aaron shifted, giving him time to adjust to the invasion until Spencer nodded yes and Aaron let go of some of that control, pumping into him faster and harder with every few strokes. Spencer did not realize he was moaning, and moaning quite loudly until Aaron’s hand clamped down hard over his mouth, but that just made Spencer wilder, and he realized through the thick haze of desire that if he had any control over speech or senses, he would beg Aaron. He did not know what he would beg for, but he would beg for it with abandon. The thought frightened him somewhere at the far reaches of his mind. Giving himself over to anyone was not something Spencer thought he would ever do, and giving himself over to a man like Aaron might consume him completely. He had no more room to think of it because Aaron had rose up and was thrusting into him hard, hand clamped over Spencer’s mouth, blocking the sound of frantic moans. 

Spencer felt the climax, the flood of pleasure rushing through his veins, up and back down again. Aaron let him come down from the high before picking up the pace again and coming to his own completion. Spencer watched Aaron’s face flush pink, hips lips parting and the hand that had clamped over Spencer’s mouth was relenting, his thumb finding Spencer’s lips and delving inside. Spencer instinctively sucked at the thumb, not realizing the simple action would make Aaron shake all over. Seeing that made Spencer want to do anything to make that happen again. That little loss of control and composure. I did that, he thought. When they both calmed a little, Spencer felt Aaron withdraw and lay at his side, a hand brushing lazy circles over Spencer’s slender stomach. They were quiet for a long while, until the chill of the room met their skin again.

“I need to go clean up.” 

Aaron slipped out of bed and Spencer heard the faucet running in the bathroom. Spencer got up long enough to slip back into his pajamas and saw Aaron exit the bathroom wearing the pajamas he brought. They looked just as good on him as Spencer thought they might. Briefly, he considered grabbing Aaron and tugging down the flannel, taking the older man’s cock in his mouth and starting round two, but remembered what Aaron said the last time and decided some self control was in order. Still, the thought was a delicious one. Aaron slipped under the covers and looked at Spencer, who stood at the bedside, not sure what to do, until Aaron opened his arms and whispered, ‘come here’ so softly he barely heard the words. Spencer slid under the blanket and into Aaron’s warm arms. He jolted a little when he felt Aaron kiss the top of his head and stroke his hair. The sex was over, so what was this? Lines were blurring all around him and he did not know what was proper. 

“Can we do this?” Spencer asked.

“We’ll worry about it in the morning. You can be Dr. Reid in the morning. Right now, it’s cold and you’re so warm…”

Spencer fell asleep with his head against Aaron’s chest and for the first time in years slept free of the dark dreams that always haunted him, feeling perfectly safe.


	3. One Hour In A Beautiful Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron must contemplate what his feelings really are for Spencer Reid, and he finds that he is more terrified of love than he is of any monster he has ever tracked.

Snow crunched under their boots as they hiked through the North Point trail toward the most recent crime scene. Two park rangers led them through the winding trail that snaked through the spectacular landscape. The sun had just barely peeked up over the horizon and the chill was intense. They were well geared, courtesy of the park ranger station, but still, none of them were exactly outdoors enthusiasts. Morgan and Prentiss took up the lead with the park rangers, with JJ and Reid not far behind them. Aaron made his way steadily beside Rossi, who was a bit slower than the rest and did not apologize for this fact. The park rangers informed them that the hike would be close to three hours and Rossi had sighed and gone to have a cigarette in private in the freezing cold before the trek. Now, Rossi sided up to Aaron on the trail, struggling to keep up with his long strides. 

“I’m not cut out for this,” Rossi huffed, taking a moment to stand still and catch his breath. Aaron stopped with him, worried about the older man falling too far behind on his own. “Look at Morgan and Prentiss up there, just cruising right through this. I haven’t been on a hike in the snow in twenty years. Y’know, Morgan was doing push ups before he went to bed last night. Push ups. At ten o’clock at night. Then the poor bastard had to sleep with earplugs in because I snore like a bear. I’m serious, I snore so loud I wake myself up with it. I kept waking up last night. Had trouble sleeping. You know how it is. I heard all the tossing and turning in there, and I assume that was Reid. You don’t seem like the kind that would be a fitful sleeper.”

Aaron was careful not to glance at Rossi. The man could spot a lie and Aaron was a shitty liar. Rossi would see it in his eyes. 

“Reid tosses and turns. No surprise there.”

“Yeah. He also says your name a lot.”

They both stopped in their tracks, Aaron turning to meet Rossi face to face. He met his eyes. Clearly, Rossi knew what was going on and there was no point in lying. 

“David, it’s complicated.”

Rossi nodded and they picked up the pace again. 

“I’m not judging you, Aaron.”

“It just… happened, and to be honest, it blind sided me.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“It’s brand new. Just yesterday. I don’t really know what to think or do. This violates everything I’ve set out to be in my professional life.”

“So, is it a fling? I mean, things like this happen,” Rossi said.

“I don’t know. I feel compelled toward him, but all this is… unexpected.”

“I didn’t even know you swung in that direction, Hotch.”

“There have been men before. Haley and I had an open relationship in the early years and there were no secrets. But now… yeah, I never saw this coming. Especially with Reid.”

“Why is Reid such a surprise?”

“David, he’s half my age.”

“And twice your IQ.”

“He’s… Reid.”

“And he’s brilliant, compassionate, beautiful… the only issue here is that you work together.”

“And we know what that means. First of all, if anyone found out, we’d both be put on suspension at the very least, and even more dangerous is the challenge of having to compartmentalize this. How can I do my job if I’m thinking about him? If I have to watch him in the field with a gun to his head? How can I do that if we’re involved?”

“Hotch, Reid may seem wan and fae but you know as well as I do that Reid can kick just as much ass as anyone else on this team.”

“David, are you advocating this? Because it sounds like you’re trying to talk me into continuing this craziness.”

“I’m not exactly telling you it’s a terrible thing, Hotch.”

“Rossi, this can’t get out. I know I’m asking a lot from you…”

“Hotch, c’mon now. I’m not a stickler for the rules and I don’t rat out friends.”

“David, he’s very… inexperienced. You know how he is. The kid is brilliant but he’s got limited experience in what we consider normal life.”

“He’s never been with anyone?”

“Does that surprise you?”

“No, not really.”

“And he’s… well, he’s Reid. He’s got his own way of thinking and feeling. The truth is, I have feelings for him and I always have, but with Haley and work and… all that was buried and impossible. I started this just this weekend and it became real and now I’m worried I’m making a huge mistake. I worry I’ve already made a huge mistake and I’ve pulled Reid in with me.”

“Aaron,” Rossi said, stopping to look him in the eyes again. “Is this just a sex thing? I mean, if it’s just a sex thing, then yeah, you’re being stupid.”

Aaron had to think about it, but only for a few moments. 

“No, it’s not just about sex.”

“I didn’t think so.”

“What the fuck do I do, David?”

“I have no answers, Aaron. What I do know is that you have to do what your heart says here, not your head. Figure out if the risk is worth it.”

Aaron nodded and excused himself as he strode ahead to walk alone for a while. 

###

 

The pressure was getting to him. The hike to the scene had revealed a host of evidence that had been tampered, trampled and damaged by park rangers and wild animals. Though the rangers had photographed the scene, seeing it through untrained angles made it difficult to make any conclusions. The latest abduction had taken place only 300 yards from the North Point ranger station. The unsub was getting bolder. With short hours of daylight and the freezing temperatures, it was difficult to get enough done in the field before nightfall. They gathered at night at the house and regrouped their ideas, exhausted but closer to finding their target. They slept in shifts, with half of the team always working the case. 

Aaron felt the soreness in his limbs from the long days, and the emotional drain of interviewing the grieving family members. He reminded himself with a determined degree of detachment that this was business as usual. He could not afford to let it get to him and allow for any weakness. He did not think of the victims or what they had been through because he simply could not. He felt the threat of sleep wash over him, bearing down on his shoulders and making everything heavy. The bedroom was a welcome refuge, at least, for a few hours. He showered and felt groggy from the steam. When he slipped under the heavy blankets, he had not realized that Spencer was already there, sleeping soundly. Not wanting to wake him, Aaron carefully settled in, but found himself staring at the ceiling, unable to close his eyes for far too long.

The only sound was the soft purr of Spencer’s breathing. The only movement was the gentle rise and fall of Spencer’s chest. Aaron inched away from Spencer, hoping to find some relief from the confusion he felt about being so close to him. He felt a shift on the other side of the bed and then heard a soft, mumble of a voice,

“Aaron, why are you still awake?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I’ve been laying here for two hours staring at the ceiling. I’m so tired that I can’t sleep. Don’t let me keep you up though. You must be exhausted.”

Spencer yawned and stretched like a limber cat, half asleep, and then startled Aaron when he reached out and tugged Aaron closer to him. Spencer’s long arms wrapped around him and he coaxed Aaron to lay his head on Spencer’s shoulder, tucking in and nestling there before that soft purr began again and Spencer was asleep. Aaron felt more confused than he ever had about anything in his life. He felt the sudden jolt of panic. A horrible mistake. A ruined career flashed in front of his eyes. But he was so tired, and Spencer was warm and the bare skin of his shoulder was as soft as silk. Aaron didn’t have the energy to worry anymore. He nuzzled his face into Spencer’s naked shoulder and felt the wave of sleep wash over him.

Winter morning light fell across Spencer’s face as he slept and Aaron watched the little muscular twitch at the corner of Spencer’s mouth, the tiny micro-movements of his eyes under silk glossy eyelids. The two and a half days of stubble made him seem just a little older, but not much. Aaron liked this, but likely Spencer would shave it off this morning. Spencer was too put together to allow for too much scruffiness. Aaron considered touching the downy hair at his jaw but feared waking him and if he was honest with himself, he feared showing too much affection. He wanted to touch Spencer’s lips and watched the young man do that thing he did that always distracted Aaron to a point of dumbness; the way he moistened his lips with his tongue, biting his lip under, the pink flesh supple and kissable. He wondered if Spencer knew he was beautiful, and the more he thought about it, the more he realized that Spencer probably had a fully realized image of himself. The neatly put together clothes, trendy and yet somehow old fashioned, the artfully messy hair that was never truly and accident. Yes, Spencer knew he was attractive, or at least knew people had a reaction to him. Despite this, Spencer seemed surprised that anyone wanted to act on it, assuming people saw him as a weirdo and maybe that was a turn off. Spencer’s brilliance got in the way. 

Aaron struggled for a moment to put his feelings in a neat little box. This was Dr. Reid, brilliant and capable and able to take down the toughest of bad guys and still feel a compassion Aaron was not sure he himself still possessed after all these years. The Dr. Reid that Aaron knew was capable of the most extreme forms of passion in all things he cared about deeply. And Dr. Spencer Reid was a man - a very grown up man- who cared deeply about many things. There was a depth to Spencer that most people did not understand and most people did not get past his social awkwardness enough to experience the depth and human beauty that he possessed. Aaron believed in souls, even if he didn’t particularly believe in God or the ideas of God and an afterlife. He believed in souls and he believed that Spencer Reid had a soul that was special and above most others. He had always known this, but now that their physical connection had become a real option, he was overwhelmed by the reality of what his feelings might lead to. Still, there was a part of him (mostly the physical aspect) that wanted to just dive in and feel Spencer’s warmth against him, those long limbs and the doe eyed smile looking up at him under the warm covers… 

Aaron jolted when he felt a long fingered hand move over his hip, the warm fingers tugging at his tee shirt and moving it up. Spencer was not quite awake, but was sleepily exploring. Aaron laid to the side, head propped up on one arm and allowed Spencer all the stillness he needed. Spencer’s eyes moved rapidly under the glossy eyelids in the throws of a dream. Aaron tightened his stomach as warm fingertips traced over the flesh and down to the elastic band of his flannel pants. 

“Mmm, you feel nice,” Spencer’s sleepy voice whispered. 

“Reid… Spencer… wake up. We need to get out on that trail in an hour and a half.”

“An hour and a half. It’s only a half-hour drive if we drive fast. Taking into account the curvature of the road and the ice slicks, we can make time in approximately…”

“Reid.”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t know what to do,” Aaron admitted, and felt a profound sense of confusion and fear that tingled darkly just beneath his ribs.

Suddenly Spencer was awake and alert and looking at him with those dark hazel eyes that seemed to shift color in the light. He was looking him right in the eyes, challenging him.

“Well, I know what to do. I can only know what information is set in stone in this situation. What I know for certain is that I care for you, respect you and enjoy your company. That’s more than most people have to build relationships on. If that isn’t enough for you, then that’s your problem, Aaron.”

There was some anger there, or at the very least some annoyance at Aaron’s hesitation, but Spencer wet his lips and his face softened.

“Is it because we’re both men?” Spencer asked.

“No, I don’t think so. I have feelings for you. I can’t really quantify them and it scares me.”

“I understand the problem of us working together, but Aaron, nobody has to know about that…”

“Rossi already knows.”

“Hmm? Really?”

“Yeah, he confronted me about it on the trail.”

“Is he angry?”

“No. He said that I should follow my heart.”

There was a long pause and then Spencer’s fingertips continued to crawl over Aaron’s warm skin. 

“I’m not good at following my heart, Aaron. I am a man of science. I follow my head. What I do know is that this makes sense. We are on the same level. We are fighting the same battles. We are in it for the same cause. That has to mean something. How can we function outside of this world we live in? You’ve already failed with a perfectly sane woman, a wonderful woman, but Aaron, no one will ever understand what we do. No one. Doesn’t that mean there’s more of a chance of this working between you and I than anyone else?”

Aaron nodded and lowered his head for a kiss. Warm lips, mint and honey, that bit of stubble brushing against Aaron’s cheek. Not a boy at all, despite the sleepy fingertips moving down the front of his flannel pants and finding a hardening erection. Aaron felt reason begin to leave him. 

“I don’t know if this can go anywhere,” Aaron admitted.

Spencer nodded, wiser than his young years.

“You know, you can overthink a problem to the point that you can’t see it with fresh eyes anymore and your judgement is clouded. Sometimes it’s better to not overthink it and just let the problem work itself out.”

“We have an hour.”

“Yes, we do.”

And Spencer was suddenly on top of him, bearing down on him with a searing kiss and Aaron could think of nothing but that heat and those lips. Fingertips moving down and grasping. Hips undulating. Mouth moving over taut flesh. Whatever timidity Spencer had was being crushed by desire and confidence. Spencer was no baby-faced doll. He knew what he wanted, and Aaron could do nothing but give him anything he asked for.


	4. Advice & Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer contemplates the reality of his newly budding relationship and Aaron makes a difficult decision.

The plane had always been a comforting place to be. It was either a journey into an adventure or a sanctuary to take them home. In this case, the Yosemite murders had been solved, the man dubbed the “Snowcap Killer” by much of the California press had been caught and incarcerated indefinitely. They could rest for a while without the pressure bearing down on their shoulders. JJ and Morgan slept with noise canceling headphones on, shutting out the rest of the world. Morgan flipped through a sports magazine and looked vaguely disinterested. Aaron sat at the back of the plane in an effort to not disturb anyone and got a head start on the intense amount of paperwork the case had generated. Spencer avoided him for fear that the physical closeness would reveal something… anything. It felt like a secret that needed to be guarded with his life. He almost didn’t notice the cup of steaming hot black tea that was set in front of him by Rossi. 

“Hmm? Oh, thank you. Oolong. I love Oolong.”

“Yeah, I know. I found this really great tea shop the last time we were in San Francisco and I picked some up for you. What are you reading?”

“Oh, just a book on 18th century philosophy.”

“Uh huh. In French?”

“Well… yes.”

“Ah. Must be very engaging.”

“Oh, it is. There is a subject idea that is discussed in chapter seven; a very interesting history of socio-political labor disputes that reach as far back as Ancient Greece. At the core of the issue is the economic downturn of…”

“Reid, land your plane.”

“Oh, right. Well, it’s interesting. You might want to read it sometime. I have a copy in Italian, but not in English.”

“You speak Italian, Reid?” Rossi asked.

“Of course. Being the closest in structural nature to Latin, it’s a cornerstone of modern romance languages.”

Rossi laughed at that.

“Kid, I’m Sicilian and my Italian is half baked. I really should touch up my skills. Maybe you could give me some refresher classes.”

Spencer perked up at the idea of having the opportunity to teach someone of Rossi’s caliber.

“I would be honored. Just let me know when you’d like to study and I’ll work up a lesson plan.”

“I’ll do that,” Rossi said, drinking down his own cup of tea. “So, uh… how have you been this week, Reid?”

“Hmm? Oh, same as usual.”

“Is there anything you want to talk about?”

Spencer remembered that Rossi knew about his relationship with Aaron, and he relented a little.

“I’ve just been… thinking a lot about things I usually don’t think much about.”

Then Rossi lowered his voice and leaned in,

“About Hotch?”

“To put it simply, yes. David, do you think it’s a breach of morality to engage this way with a co-worker?”

“Morality? No, kiddo. No, I don’t. I think it’s complicated and it all depends on rather or not you two can keep clear heads in the field. It depends on how it effects the both of you in this crazy ass thing we do.”

“It’s only been a couple of days. But… well, we have always had a love for each other. I mean, I love everyone on this team, but with Aaron, there is something else.”

“I hear ya, kiddo.”

“Have you ever… with someone at work?”

“Twice.”

“Really?” Spencer feigned surprise.

“Yeah. It ended badly, but that’s because I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants outside of work. The point is, that was doomed before it started. You two might be different.”

“Aaron is scared.”

“Yeah, I’m hip to that. He’s confused. You gotta give him room for that. It makes sense. The guy’s been married since right outta high school. He’s got a narrow vision of how this works.”

“It’s not just work though. It’s my age.”

“Yeah, he mentioned that. The fact is, you’ve got an intellect that far surpasses your years, Reid. I can’t imagine you being with someone your own age.”

“Thank you again for the tea. And, David? It’s a relief to talk to someone I can trust.”

“Anytime, kiddo. You know, I dated someone who looked a bit like you when I was in my twenties.”

“Hmm? Oh, you did?”

“Yeah. Does that surprise you?” Rossi tilted his head to the side.

“Yes, actually, it does, assuming we are talking about a male.”

“A male, indeed. I had my wild days, kiddo. His name was Andrew, and I was convinced he was the one, but of course, back then everything was in the closet and that scared the shit outta me, and him. I let him go. I’ve always regretted that. I mean, I am predominantly heterosexual now, but that was a weird time for me. I had to really consider where my life was going. Andrew looked a little like you; tall, graceful, that doll face you’ve got. The thing is, we were both scared of where we would end up if we admitted we had feelings for each other. Y’know, what would society think? And the fact is, that’s a fucking weak way to structure your life.”

“This job is so important to me, David, and to Aaron too.”

“Just… don’t be scared of this. If it’s not what you want, that’s valid, but don’t throw something meaningful away just for the job. We all keep secrets on this team. You know we do. I’m sure we can keep yours too. If you trust us.”

Spencer nodded and then was surprised when Rossi stood up, leaned down and kissed him on the forehead in a fatherly gesture before strolling to the back of the plane to pass out on the sofa. 

 

In Baltimore, the rain poured down as if it had not stopped the entire time, and maybe it hadn’t, Reid thought. He pulled his coat tightly around him and raised the collar to keep out the chill, his hair whipping around his face in the wind. It took a few moments in the dark with the flashing lights around him, to adjust his sight and see exactly where he was going. Suddenly, he felt Aaron’s hand on his back, and just as suddenly, it was snatched away as if the touch had burned. 

“I’ve been thinking,” Aaron said, his voice low. “And I think it would be best if we forgot about this week. We need to just forget. I hope you understand.”

“Aaron, I…”

“It’s Agent Hotchner.”

“Oh. Yes, of course.” Spencer was aching inside. “Agent Hotchner.”

“It’s best this way.”

“Sure it is.”

“Well then… I’ll see you in the office.”

He stood still, soaking in the rain, and watched Aaron run toward the terminal to catch up with the rest of the team. He hoped the rain falling on his face would disguise the tears. Rossi, usually a few steps behind, sided up to Spencer and clapped a hand on his shoulder.

“He’s an idiot, kiddo.”

“No. I am.”


	5. The Dinner Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron notices Spencer is not at Rossi's dinner party and wonders why. Rossi deals with Aaron the only way Rossi knows how.

The rain was a thick downpour on the tarmac. It was a hundred and fifty yards to the terminal and the team was running to meet up with the customs official who always met them at the door to avoid going through the usual security line. Aaron felt the panic in the marrow of his bones. Things had gotten too real with Spencer… with Reid, and he was terrified of what that meant. It was too new, too odd and too consuming. He had too much going on in his life to consider a relationship with anyone, and particularly someone from his own team. Particularly Spencer Reid, a man half his age, with a mind that was incomprehensible to most human beings. Aaron had to think about being a father to Jack, and he had to consider the very real possibility that an affair with Reid would end his career, and maybe even his life. How could he function in the field if he was thinking about Spencer Reid? 

So far, it had not gone so far that it could not end. It had been one week and if he worked up the nerve to just cut it off, maybe he could just put it behind him, and maybe Reid could just move on. There were feelings there, certainly, but nothing had been declared. Essentially, it had been sex. He took a minute on the tarmac to convince himself, letting the rain soak him until he was alert and the sleepiness of exhaustion was gone with a shiver. He saw Reid there on the tarmac, stopped for just a moment to button his coat and pop up the collar of his trench. A tall, slender gentleman from a 1950’s noire film. Only the disheveled hair put him in the modern era. Aaron worked up some nerve and placed a hand on Reid’s back, but then snatched it away because that only made him want to peel that coat off of Spencer and kiss him in the rain like one of those old movies. Spencer tilted his head and smiled, lips parting as if he wanted to say something. He saw the sleepy joy in Spencer’s eyes and felt a drilling pang of guilt as the words loosed from his lips.

“I’ve been thinking,” Aaron said, and it felt like a punch to the gut. “And I think it would be best if we forgot about this week. We need to just forget. I hope you understand.”

A shroud of hurt veiled Reid’s face for just a moment, and then he quickly bit his lip and pulled together his composure. There was a well disguised anger there mingling with the pain. Aaron could see that, but Reid nodded and stammered just a second.

“Aaron, I…”

And Aaron had to make this official. He had to end it completely and immediately, before they went back to real life. 

“It’s Agent Hotchner,” Aaron said, and it pained him to see the look on Reid’s face, stunned and hurt.

“Oh. Yes, of course.” Spencer was obviously in pain and Aaron secretly wanted to take him into his arms. No, he told himself. We cannot do this. “Agent Hotchner.”

“It’s best this way.”

“Sure it is.”

“Well then… I’ll see you in the office.”

Aaron ran ahead, because if he stayed next to Spencer, he would take back everything and all this would be terrifying and confusing again. It was better this way. It really was. Life was too complicated already. 

###

 

It was past Jack’s bedtime and Aaron rushed through the storybook he read with Jack at night before bed. He watched Jack’s eyes flutter and kissed his forehead goodnight before leaving the nightlight on in the room and going downstairs to stare at forms to be filled out on his laptop for two hours. It was time for the mid-year status report on each of the team members that needed to be painstakingly elaborate. How were they performing in the field? How were their interpersonal skills? Team involvement? Problems? Signs of emotional withdrawal? Did they need therapy? Up for promotions? Pay raise? So many invasive questions to be answered and sent to paper pushers who had no experience in the field and no idea what complexity was involved in doing the job. He wrote a detailed report on Morgan, then JJ, then picked up the folder on Spencer Reid. 

He had seen that folder a dozen times and knew the contents well. A brilliant mind with a complex history, rich with knowledge and touched with a kind of innocent purity. It was difficult to remember that he was also a fiercely capable hunter of what could only be described as evil. That purity and boyish charm was not obliterated by his ability to kick some serious ass when he needed to, and that fierceness was steadied by his compassion for humanity. It was a unique combination in one human being. Aaron had never known anyone like him. He flipped through the folder, taking off a paper clip and looking at several photographs of Spencer taken at BAU headquarters. Morgan’s photo had been strictly alpha, a straight faced man staring into the camera. JJ and Prentiss had straight forward head shots, their seriousness perhaps to make up for the prejudice the FBI had against female agents. Aaron smiled at Penelope Garcia’s headshot photo. A truly unique and lovely woman. If his professional life allowed it, he would invite her more into his life as a friend, but he knew that Garcia saw him as someone hovering above. The reverent way she called him Sir indicated that, and it was smart to keep that relationship intact, despite the fact that it would be pleasant to know her better. 

He considered his role in each of their lives and their role in his. Morgan was a brother at arms. The man had a passion for his job that was unrivaled by any agent Aaron had ever worked with, and though that passion could make him reckless at times, Aaron considered Morgan the finest agent he had ever worked with. Rossi was a wise mentor, a man who did not play by the rules, but put his entire being into each case. He was a man who could always be trusted and Aaron had very little of that in his life. He could rely on David Rossi to tell him the truth, no matter what the truth might reveal. Emily was an enigma he did not quite understand, but he respected her talent, her ability and her tireless commitment. JJ had spent her life proving herself and obliterating the competition and naysayers with a swift efficiency that often left him breathless. She was one of the best, and she was only getting better. Then there was Penelope Garcia, completely unique and unmatched in her talents. She had seen so much darkness and yet she still kept her light and her quirkiness. Her wardrobe choices were completely inappropriate for the job and this had been noted by several of the higher-ups, but Aaron had always defended her in meetings, explaining that talents like Penelope Garcia come along once in a lifetime and her quirks made her able to manage the emotional fall out of the job. He would never admit his fierce defense to Garcia but he had gone to bat for her and always would. He decided to ignore her flirtations with Morgan and passed it off as part of her charm. 

Then there was Spencer Reid. He hesitated a long while before filling out the forms. His reports on Spencer had always been glowing and that wouldn’t change, but the descriptive language he used to describe the behavior of the rest of the team could not be conjured when writing about Spencer. He found he could only write yes/no, simplistic statements and uninspired explanations. He feared that if he wrote how he really felt about Spencer Reid, it would become clear that he was in love with him, to himself and anyone else. He shook his head and wrote;

Dr. Spencer Reid is the most valuable asset to the BAU….

And that was more than true. His hand lingered a little too long on the section: Request For Transfer. Wouldn’t that make it easier? If Spencer was nowhere near him? If he didn’t have to question himself every day? But he couldn’t do that to Spencer and he couldn’t do it to the rest of the team. Spencer was the glue that held them together. Aaron sucked in a deep breath and wrote “no” before signing the forms and closing up the files. He fell asleep on the sofa with The Outer Limits playing on TV with no sound on. 

###

 

David’s house was impressive. His bestselling books had made him a comfortable fortune and it showed in his home. His dinner parties were every three months, and this one was even more put together than the last. He hired one of the best Italian caterers in the area and is formal dining room was decked out with beautiful finishings, everything with careful detail. Aaron had never been comfortable at parties, but David’s gatherings helped to keep morale up and the team together. Aaron was happy to be out of a suit for a change and instead opted for a pair of gray slacks and a white button up linen shirt that Rossi bought him for his birthday years ago, claiming that he would “look good in Italian.” 

Guests mingled in the living room, sipping wine and expensive Scotch. Aaron did his social duty and talked about sports with Morgan, chatted about a concert with JJ and Prentiss and felt an overwhelming urge to hug Garcia, which seemed to shock her and knock the breath out of her for just a second before she recovered, stammering, 

“Sir, it’s um… so nice to see you, Sir.”

“It’s good to see you too, Garcia… Penelope. You can call me Aaron outside of work.”

“I don’t think I can, actually. Not sure why.”

He smiled and saw the flush on her face. Clearly a crush was there. It was sweet and not a threat. He decided it was a healthy enough thing and he gave her a smile. 

“How have you been, Penelope?”

“Doing fine, Sir, and looking forward to my vacation time coming up next month. I’ve got a trip to Japan planned and… um, Sir… have you seen Reid tonight? I would hate for him to miss this.”

“Reid’s not here?”

“Um… no, Sir. I haven’t seen him all night and dinner is about to start.”

“I’ll give him a call. Excuse me, Penelope.”

She nodded, a bit flustered as she always was. He dialed Spencer’s number but Spencer was not answering his phone. He dialed again and left a message on his voice mail.

“Reid, people are asking where you are at David’s party. Dinner is about to start and I know people would like to see you. Call me back when you get this.”

David was calling everyone to the table for dinner and Aaron sat, smiling and mingling and pouring wine while trying not to worry about Spencer. He always answered his phone. Always. Dinner was saltimbocca and the best wine Aaron had ever tasted. Leave it to David Rossi to bring out the best. Aaron was sorry that Spencer was missing it. Everyone asked about him. David leaned in and whispered,

“Is this because of last week?”

“I don’t know. I fear it might be. I called but got no answer.”

“Go and talk to him.”

“David, I can’t…”

“Yes, you can. Aaron, you made love to him, and you were his first, and then you left him in the rain like a piece of trash…”

“No, not like a piece of trash, David. Not like that.”

“Yeah, it was like that. You made the kid disposable. Why are you surprised that he’s angry? You hurt him, and now he feels embarrassed and vulnerable and to be absolutely honest, Aaron, you’re being an ass.”

“This job…”

“Fuck this job. Go and talk to the kid. If you have feelings for him and you let that go, it will be the biggest mistake of your life. Now, finish your dinner so you don’t make a scene. Then get your ass over to Reid’s house and work this out.”

“David, I don’t think it’s appropriate.”

“Aaron Hotchner, so help me God, I am going to kick your ass if you don’t get the hell out of here. Now, are you sober?”

“Yes. I only had half a glass.”

“Good. Now get the fuck out of my house.”


	6. Honey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron goes to Spencer's house to find that Spencer offers him a way out... or a way in.

A light was on in Spencer’s living room. Aaron sat in his car for fifteen minutes before he took a deep breath and went to the door. He knocked and waited a long while, then turned to leave when the door opened. Spencer stood in the door frame, beautifully turned out in a pale gray suit. His usually messy crop of hair was neatly arranged with just a hint of its usual chaos. He had dressed for the party. Now, only his bare feet indicated he had changed his mind. 

“Spencer, I was worried about you.”

“Why?” The tone was clipped.

“Well, you usually seem to enjoy David’s parties. I expected to see you there. I see you dressed for it. I was hoping you would be there.”

“I’d rather stay home.”

“Oh. OK. I, um… can I come in. I’d like to talk to you.”

Spencer stared at him a minute, the gaze unnerving. Aaron had forgotten how focused and slightly unnerving Spencer Reid could be when he fixed his studied glare on someone. The door opened wider and Spencer stepped aside to let him in. Piano music played on the Victrola.

“That’s a beautiful piece. What is it?” Aaron asked, slipping his coat off.

“Vladimir Horowitz. It’s my favorite rendition of Liszt’s Schubert Soirees de Vienne.”

A cup of steaming tea sat on the coffee table and a little ceramic bowl of honey next to a book on entomology and a half eaten Pop Tart. The loneliness was palpable. Spencer smelled wonderful, like expensive cologne of black tea and rosewood. The scent suited him perfectly. The fireplace burned and touched the room with a soft, orange glow. He sat down on the sofa and waited for Spencer to sit too. 

“Spencer, I came to apologize for how I treated you. It was thoughtless of me and you did nothing to deserve that. The thing is, I am in a difficult space right now, and I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make this OK. I’ve always had feelings for you, but I was married and I was happy being married and so I pushed it aside because… well, you know why. But those feelings are there and I don’t know how to deal with that. It’s no excuse for how I treated you, but I hope that you will forgive me and know that I care for you deeply and I am very sorry you were hurt.”

Spencer seemed to ponder this a while in silence, and then gave a hint of a sad smile and asked,

“I made a pot of Oolong tea. Do you want some?”

“Sure. Yeah, that would be nice.”

While Spencer was out of the room, Aaron took a deep breath and sighed, smelling that beautiful scent again. A few minutes later, Spencer appeared in the room again, holding a steaming cup of tea with a pained look on his face.

“The problem is I love you,” Spencer blurted out.

“Spence, it’s too soon for that.”

“No, it isn’t. I mean, that’s the real problem here, isn’t it? I know you. You know me. There’s no period of courtship needed to solidify our mutual respect and trust. I’ve trusted you with my life and you’ve trusted me with yours. We do that every day. We save each other. We’re connected. It might be that way between any of us, but with you there is attraction too. It would be stupid of us to not admit that, Aaron. You said you don’t know how to deal with having feelings for me. Well, I don’t know how to do courtship. I don’t know how to put on a show of emotion when the raw emotion is right there and we both know it. I realize that if we are together, our jobs would be in jeopardy, but I’ve thought about that and the worst thing that would happen technically is one of us would be transferred to another unit. We’re both too valuable to let go because of it. So this comes down to fear. You’re afraid. That’s what’s in the way.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Who else will know you and understand you like I do?”

“Absolutely no one,” Aaron admitted.

“Go upstairs with me. I want to go to bed with you, Aaron. It can be just tonight if that’s all you can give. It can be the last time if you really can’t do this, but if we feel that connection that we felt before, consider what you might lose and what I might lose. In the morning, if you’re gone, I’ll never mention it ever again.

And Aaron could not hold back. He stood up and took Spencer in his arms, kissing his mouth, the taste of dark tea and honey on his lips. Reason and logic were no longer part of Aaron’s universe. Spencer’s lips. Spencer’s tongue. Spencer’s hands moving over his shoulders, exploring the muscle and definition through white linen. He could feel the sudden hitch in Spencer’s breath. It was a rush of pleasure and ego to be able to take his breath away. Whatever hesitance, anger and confusion they both felt was gone and replaced by consuming passion. Aaron touched Spencer’s lips with his fingertips, parting his mouth.

“Go and get a condom and come back down here.”

“Not in the bed?”

“No. I want to fuck you by the fire.”

That made Spencer shiver. Aaron saw the effect a little dirty talk had on the young man and made a note to take full advantage of it. Spencer nodded and went upstairs, coming back down to find throw pillows and the chenille throw blanket on the floor by the fireplace. Spencer set a condom and a bottle of lubricant down on the table and started to take off his tie.

“I was hoping to do that for you,” Aaron said and there was that hitch in Spencer’s breath again. “Come here.”

He took his time, removing each piece of clothing. Spencer kept reaching up to grasp at Aaron’s shoulders, his chest, the growing erection in his pants, but each time Aaron gently slapped Spencer’s hands away.

“Sorry,” Spencer whispered, shaking a little.

“You look so good naked. You’re beautiful, Spencer.”

“I’ve never felt that way. I mean, I’m not athletic like Morgan or solid, like you. I’m just kind of… willowy. It’s not very… you know…”

Aaron kissed him hard and sucked the words out of his mouth. Then Spencer went dumb, his brilliance gone and replaced with a feverish single minded passion. Aaron smiled and reached down to dip his fingertip in the bowl of honey and then spread it over his lips. Spencer’s eyes glazed over and he licked his tongue touched the top of his teeth before he leaned in to lick and suck at Aaron’s lips, tasting the honey and going in for a longer kiss. 

“That’s… wow.” Again, Spencer Reid was at a loss for words. It was such a rarity that it made Aaron smile and press his forehead against Spencer’s for a moment. 

Aaron dipped his thumb in the honey and pressed it against the pulse point at Spencer’s neck, then licked a trail of liquid fire over the slope of his clavicle and up to his neck. He bit and licked, nipping supple skin and tasting honey. The little bites made Spencer shiver and Aaron reached down to slide a hand over the flat plain of his stomach and down to the curly thicket of hair at the apex of his thighs. He felt Spencer jolt and then relax a little. He was still a frightened cat, but he was growing in confidence, his timidity giving in to his desire to experiment. Aaron kissed his lips again and this time Spencer was more forceful, taking what he wanted, even though the rest of his body was still awkward and nervous. Spencer looked down at the bowl of honey and looked into Aaron’s eyes.

“More of that, please.”

“Anything you want.”

Again, Aaron bit and sucked the honey, spreading the sticky sweetness down over a taut nipple and gently biting which made Spencer gasp and grab at Aaron’s hair. Aaron slid down to his knees and bit and licked a trail down to Spencer’s cock before engulfing it in his mouth and feeling it harden to its full length. There was a deep gasp and Spencer reached for Aaron, his long fingers entwining with Aaron’s as Aaron sucked in quickening strokes. 

“That feels… so good…” Spencer’s voice was hoarse and dry. 

Aaron did not let Spencer go as he reached to the table and took the bottle of lubricant, popped the cap and wet his fingers. He felt Spencer tense up, struggling to stand upright. Aaron took Spencer’s shaking hand and guided him to hold on to his shoulder to steady himself. With careful pressure, he found the sensitive puckered hole between taut cheeks and worked his way inside. One finger, then two. Another gasp, this time a little bit frightened, then the sound of pleasure filtering in slowly as he rocked his fingers back and forth working faster and harder with every stroke. He found the sweet spot and memorized it, mapping it with every moan and breathless gasp. Aaron kept sucking and drawing the pleasure out of Spencer until the young man was buckled over and begging.

“Oh God, Aaron… I can’t… I can’t think… can’t breathe…”

He let Spencer’s cock out of his mouth long enough to plant a kiss against the downy thicket of pubic hair.

“You want to come in my mouth again?”

“Mmm? No, I… inside you… please… if you leave and we never do this again… I want to know… what that feels like…” Then the pain on Spencer’s face broke Aaron’s heart. “Will you let me do that?”

Aaron stood up, nipping along the long, slender torso and breathed a hot “yes” into Spencer’s ear. Aaron smiled a gentle smile when he saw Spencer looked surprised by this. 

“Aaron, I… I’ve never done that.”

“I know.”

“I mean, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I can take it.”

“How do… I mean… how do you want to… you know?”

Aaron shrugged out of his clothes, slipped down to his knees and tugged at Spencer’s hand to coax him down too. 

“Give me your fingers.”

He spread the gel over Spencer’s fingers and then slid the condom onto his cock, making Spencer gasp again. There was a hesitation for a long while, and Aaron propped a pillow under himself, lifting his hips up to make it easier on both of them. He felt those long fingers begin to massage his lower back, digging into the muscle with more expertise than Aaron expected. Spencer had likely studied materials about massage and human anatomy. Whatever he had studied had paid off because his touch was building a hot fire, releasing the tension. Aaron moaned and turned his head to look at Spencer.

“Does this… feel good?”

“Yes, Spencer. You have strong hands.”

Those strong hands moved over the fleshy curve of Aaron’s ass and kneaded the muscles like dough, sliding down to work the same magic over the twitching muscles of his thighs. He felt Spencer grow more confident, his movements becoming more like a study. That mop of wavy hair fell over one eye, his face completely absorbed in studying every corded muscle and every tiny movement. Aaron felt his cock harden against the pillow underneath him and he shifted to release the pressure. 

“I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?” Spencer asked, misunderstanding that shift.

“No, not at all. You’ve made me so hard it’s aching.”

He sensed the shiver there and knew it for what it was, pride. The sublime feeling of being able to reduce a lover to a quivering mass of flesh and bone. It occurred to him that this was likely the first time Spencer had ever felt that rush. 

“Should I… um… now?”

“Do what you want with me.”

“I’ll be gentle,” Spencer promised.

“You don’t have to be. You can do what you want. I can take it.”

He heard Spencer gulp and then force himself to up his confidence. Aaron felt those strong fingers dip down between flesh and find the passage, wetting it with slick gel. He was careful and methodical, no doubt something he had read in texts. It felt clinical, like being examined by a medic, except for the other hand rubbing deliciously warm circles over his thigh. Fingers worked in and out, though Spencer did not have the experience to find the sweet spot. Spencer knew this, clearly, and was becoming agitated that he could not produce the same reaction in Aaron that Aaron had so easily produced in him. 

“Aaron, I don’t know how to… you know. Not like you did.”

“I don’t expect you to. You’ve never done this. It’s OK. I’ve had years of practice. I can teach you that if you want to learn. But, right now, let’s not get hung up on that. You’ve got a really beautiful cock, Spencer Reid and I want you to fuck me. Don’t hesitate, and don’t worry about getting everything right. Just fuck me. I want to feel you come.”

The dirty talk clearly worked because Spencer was on his knees behind him in seconds, gripping Aaron’s hips and pulling him back towards him. There was hesitation when Spencer’s cock pushed at the entrance, but Aaron pushed back on him, wincing at the burning invasion. Don’t display the pain, he thought. Don’t scare him with it. Give him the confidence to lose himself. Spencer stopped halfway in, but Aaron pushed all the way back and began to rock his hips, inviting more. He heard the breathless gasp.

“Tell me what it feels like, Spencer.”

“It feels… oh Jesus… it feels like molten fire and silk gloves and liquid heat and I can’t think of words… can’t think of anything, really. It makes me stupid. God, I’m dizzy. Does this… um… feel good for you?”

“Shh, don’t think about it, Spencer. Just fuck me.”

And that was enough to unleash Spencer from his hesitation. Slender hips thrust against Aaron and with a few strokes the pain blended with pleasure, the hot flesh inside him swelling even more. Aaron shifted, moving around to give Spencer the angle to hit that spot and when he did, he felt the electric charge of it roll through his body and jolt him. A moan sounded from his lips and a gasp of,

“Ah, fuck yes, Spencer… harder. You feel so good…”

Spencer obliged and thrust harder, leaning in to replicate the angle that had made Aaron jolt and gasp. He found it, and leave it to Spencer Reid to extract the science, he slammed into Aaron with quickening speed and pressure, hitting that spot every goddamned time until Aaron felt the heat swell and blossom inside him. Aaron came with a guttural grunt and was vaguely aware that the throw pillow under him was probably ruined for life. He didn’t care, and apparently neither did Spencer because he kept thrusting, reaching to grab ahold of Aaron’s shoulders and get leverage there. Spencer found his release shortly after and breathlessly came down from the high, gripping Aaron tightly and shaking. He collapsed from it, withdrawing and falling onto the pillows with Aaron, body covered in sweat and his youthful face flushed heated pink. Aaron settled and propped his head up on his hand.

“You’re good, Dr. Reid. You’re very good.”

“I’ve been reading some texts on the subject of sexual stimulation in the male sex and the various techniques of sexual activity. Of course, the texts only refer to what we would consider the modern era, or roughly post-industrial revolution attitudes toward sexual activity, particularly in the homosexual act itself. The subject, when studied from a historical standpoint would, of course, be completely different. Some things do remain a constant though, for instance, stimulation of the prostate gland and… in any case, my studies were only theoretical… until now, I suppose. I don’t know if the study truly impacted my ability…”

“Spencer.”

“Mmm?”

“It was good. Very good.”

A shy smile crossed Spencer’s lips and he looked down.

“I should go and clean up.”

Aaron listened to the sound of the shower down the hall and was almost dozing off when a damp haired, sleepy eyed Spencer Reid appeared in the room, dressed in pajamas.

“Aaron, I… I think that we can manage this. That’s what I think. But I can’t dictate what you think and so… well, I hope you’re here in the morning, but if not… if you do decide to leave, then… you should know that I love you and that’s enough for me. You don’t have to love me back.”

“Spencer…”

“I’m gonna go to bed now. I put blankets and pillows on the sofa. That way if you leave, I don’t have to see it. If you’re here in the morning, I’ll make you breakfast. And… if not, well… say hello to Jack for me. Goodnight.”

Aaron watched Spencer disappear into the shadows of the hallway and heard the bedroom door close. He got up and slipped into his clothes, sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands. His car keys were on the table. He picked them up and fumbled with them like a horrible temptation he could not put down. He pressed the jagged edge of a key against the pad of his thumb, still sticky with honey and let the pain blossom there, waking him up. Maybe he would be awake enough to drive. Then he saw the Victrola, the stack of old records there and he went to thumb through them, finding a volume of Chopin. He knew Spencer liked that one, often listening to it on his headphones in the plane. He let the needle drop in the groove of the record and music filled the room. Spencer’s music. Haunting and beautiful. 

Aaron laid back and tucked his head against a pillow and listened.


	7. A Friend Is A Rarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer finds an unlikely friend in Penelope Garcia

The smell of coffee woke Spencer from an already fitful sleep. He checked his alarm clock: 7:42am, and opened the bedroom door. For a minute, he forgot that Aaron had been there the night before. He was exhausted and everything was a blur. The living room was quiet. The blankets Spencer had set out for Aaron were neatly folded on the arm of the sofa. Aaron’s coat was gone from the hook on the wall. Spencer ran to the window and looked outside. Aaron’s car was gone. He frantically ran around the house, searching for a note Aaron might have left and found none, then checked his voice mail and found nothing. Silently, he poured a cup of coffee, put a pop tart in the toaster and tried not to cry. 

Spencer decided to spend his day off at Ekerton’s Bookshop, an enormous bookshop that was touted as one of the largest and most celebrated in the world. Spencer made it a point to go once a month and raid their rare books cabinets. There was a coffee shop inside and Spencer often sat for hours, just to be around other people who were reading, though no one ever talked to him and no one ever went with him. A good portion of Spencer’s paycheck often went toward books. The library was a rich source, but sometimes he felt the need to own the pages in his hand and for that a library wouldn’t do. Also, he never felt like a normal person in a library. Everyone was silent. In a shop, people carried on with life and though the chatter bored him, the bustle of people shifting from one task to the next created a comforting kind of static. Spencer ordered a cup of chai and sat down with a stack of books and his journal. There was a sore, empty space in him that he was not accustomed to. There was a pain he had not been prepared for. Aaron had left, and he had gone to sleep the night before fairly certain Aaron would stay.

He had given him an easy way out, trusting that he would not use it, but he had. Spencer tried to put away his hurt and frustration, to compartmentalize them in boxes he could push to the back and deal with another time… or never. He sipped his chai and opened a book of Erica Jong poetry, but it dealt too much with lost love and confusion. He closed it and switched to Anne Sexton. After two cups of chai, he finally managed to lose himself in the words when a familiar voice startled him

“Reid? I didn’t expect to see you here. OK, actually, upon further examination, it makes perfect sense why you’d be here.” 

Penelope stood near his table, her smile radiant and her hair its usual arrangement of novelty. She wore a bright yellow dress with a geometric print in black and purple, her glasses as bright yellow as the dress. A necklace dripping with plastic cherries hung from her neck. Spencer immediately smiled, because Penelope always made him smile. 

“Garcia, I mean Penelope, um… do you want to join me?”

She looked flustered for a moment and looked around the room, then back at him and nodded, setting her own little stack of books down on the table. Fashion Of The 1950’s, a biography of Jayne Mansfield, a history of shoes.

“What are you reading?” he asked, trying to do the small talk thing.

“Oh, um…” she suddenly glanced at his stack of books, then back at her own and looked defeated. “Silly stuff. Shoes and fashion and silly stuff. How about you?”

“Anne Sexton’s Transformations and Complete Poems. It’s regarded as one of the most groundbreaking styles of modern feminist poetry. The poet reclassifies the American female experience; motherhood, sex, fertility and love through classical allegories in the nature of a modern Grimm’s fairy tale. It’s a really poignant work.”

“Oh. Mine are about, um… shoes.”

“Oh. That looks interesting actually. The changes in the designs of footwear throughout history reflect the cultural progressions and attitudes of any culture’s people throughout history. For instance, the Batu Isa tribe of New Guinnea traditionally wrapped their feet in goatskin hides that had been treated with dyes made of Goji berries. The dye was thought to trap evil spirits and not allow them entry into the body through the soles of the feet. But in the last century, that long held tradition has drastically changed and now the Batu…”

“Reid.”

“Mmm?”

“I have no idea what you’ve said…”

“Oh.”

“Ever.”

He saw the grin on her face and realized it was just humor. Sometimes he didn’t catch on when people were being funny, and sometimes it was at his expense, though he did recognize the affectionate nature of that teasing. 

“Oh,” he feigned a laugh. “I just mean that shoes are important. So, can I get you a coffee?”

“I have one on the way. You know, I rarely ever see you outside of work. This is a treat for me. The boy wonder. Dr. Spencer Reid, taking a break from saving the world. I’m surprised you don’t wear a cape, or maybe for you one of those giant cranium hats that looks like an onion. I um… I didn’t see you at Rossi’s party. I thought you might be sick or something. Everyone was worried. I tried to call you…”

“I wasn’t sick. I was just… I had a lot to think about.”

“Ah, I see. Actually, I don’t see. Are you OK?”

He smiled again. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine.”

“Honey, it doesn’t take a profiler to see that’s not true. You’ve got dark circles around your eyes… well, OK, more than usual, and your hair is combed.”

“Is that an indicator of stress?”

“For you, yeah. I like my shaggy Dr. Reid. He’s cute. That’s probably crossing a line, isn’t it. I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK.”

“But you are definitely not OK. I can tell. What happened last night.”

“I… was in an argument with someone I’m seeing.”

“You’re seeing someone?”

“Sort of.”

“OH my God, what’s her name… or… his name?”

“I’d rather not say.”

“Oh, OK, fair enough. Um… male or female?”

“A man. I’m seeing… WAS seeing a man.”

“Then it was a break up?”

“He walked out on me. It’s complicated. He’s older and he doesn’t accept our age difference and he’s got a complicated divorce and…”

“Sounds messy.”

“It is. I just… I care for him a lot, and I don’t want to let him go. You know, Garcia, I don’t usually talk about my personal life with people.”

“I’m not people, I’m Penelope. Sugar, spit it out.”

He considered telling her everything, just because it would feel good to say it out loud, but he knew he couldn’t. 

“I can’t, Garcia. I’m sorry.”

“I understand. Look, I know you and I aren’t that close, but I want you to know that I really like you and admire you and if you need a friend to talk to, I’m always just a phone call away. You can talk to me about anything at all and I’ll never judge. I’ll just listen. I swear. I imagine friendships are hard for you and I can’t imagine how hard romantic relationships must be, so I want you to know that you have a friend in me. A good one. I don’t expect you to feel the same way. I don’t need that. I just… you can talk to me.”

Then she was staring at his ear. He wondered why, but then remembered how Aaron had sucked at his neck just beneath his ear. It had probably left a mark. She stared too long and he knew there was no point in hiding it. He reached up to touch the sore spot.

“He… left that on you?” Penelope asked.

“Yeah. Last night.”

“So you… and he… um… were… intimate… last night?”

“Yeah.”

“And then he left you?”

“That is the essence of it, yeah.”

“What kind of son of a bitch does that?”

“Well, it was… I mean… we…”

“He comes over, sexes you up first and then dumps you? The guy sounds like a grade A douche, Reid. Maybe you’re better off without him.”

“I’d like to be able to tell myself that.”

“But you love him.”

“Yeah, unfortunately, I do.

Penelope sighed and took a minute to order two slices of cheesecake.

“OK, boy wonder. This is how we girls do breakups. There is always cheesecake and we can go to my house and watch Mean Girls and…”

“What are mean girls?”

“It’s a movie, sweetie.”

“Oh.”

“Or we can watch something smart. Like, um… you know what, I don’t even know. But my place is not far from here and you are welcome to join me in my sanctum of douchebag free recovery.”

He tried to smile, but couldn’t. She looked at him with sympathetic eyes.

“That would be nice, Garcia, but I don’t really know how to feel comfortable in social situations like that.”

“Oh honey, I know that. I’m just worried about you. Whoever this guy is has made a horrible mistake letting you go. Want me to shank him?”

He genuinely laughed at that and his laugh made her smile. 

“Actually, um… Garcia?”

“Yeah, sugar?”

“Is that invitation still open?”

“Absolutely, any time.”

“How about now?”

“We’ll take the cheesecake to go.”

He scooped up his books and followed Garcia as she wobbled on four inch heels out to the parking lot. He didn’t want to be at home, staring at the walls, thinking of Aaron. Garcia was a warm heart in a horribly dark world and he decided to allow himself to enjoy having a friend. A rarity.


	8. Second Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer gives Aaron another chance.

He had two weeks with Jack while Haley was away on business in California. His time with Jack was always sacred to him and in Jack’s company, he managed to put aside thoughts of anything or anyone else for a while. His son meant everything to him and nothing would ever get in the way of that. At night, Aaron shut his eyes and forced out thoughts of Spencer. At work, he delved into paperwork and avoided everyone, claiming he was simply overworked and had no time to socialize. He avoided looking at Spencer at all and in turn Spencer avoided looking at him. They did their work and they did it just as well as they had before they had fallen in love. Aaron admitted to himself that that is what had happened; falling in love. He admitted to himself that he had always felt indescribable feelings about Spencer Reid, but in the past they could never be acted on. Aaron had always played by the book, and even though he felt an immense love for the young man that bordered on infatuation, he knew Spencer was an obstacle to playing by the book.

Haley came back from California. He drove Jack home over the weekend and stayed to have a surprisingly pleasant lunch with Haley, Jack and Haley’s parents. On the way home, he stopped to browse some books for Jack at Ekerton’s Bookshop. The place was enormous, a quirky old building jam-packed with books on every subject. Jack often played in the children’s section. Aaron plucked a few books off of the shelf for Jack and then went upstairs to look at more adult options. He was reading the back of a John Forsyth novel when he saw the unmistakable figure of Spencer Reid in the next aisle. He stayed still and watched. Spencer was deeply distracted, carrying a huge stack of books from the classic literature section. Eighteenth century French literature. A biography of Charlemagne. A book on occult symbols that must have weighed five pounds. Spencer was having trouble carrying the load and managing the heavy leather messenger bag he always wore at his side. Suddenly, the books tumbled onto the floor and Spencer fumbled nervously to figure out how to pick them all up again. Instinctually, Aaron rushed forward to help him and Spencer looked up, startled.

“Aaron… I didn’t know you were here.”

“I was picking up some books for Jack.”

“Oh, I see. Is he with you?”

“No. I drove him home this morning. I miss him already.”

Spencer smiled but it was forced.

“Well… I’ll leave so you can continue.”

“Spencer,” Aaron hesitated and then found the words. “I hate the way things ended between us. I don’t want it to be like this, so… distant.”

Spencer lowered his head, nervously tucking a book under his arm to lessen the pile and avoid eye contact. 

“What can we do though? I mean, it happened.”

“Yes, it did, and I’d like us to be friends.”

Then Spencer’s eyes met his.

“That’s not true.”

And that threw Aaron off course because it was true. He did not want to be just friends. He wanted to be free to love Spencer, but how could he do that when he could not risk the stability he had? Spencer did not understand that. Spencer did not have an ex-wife, a child and a life filled with complexity. Spencer’s understanding of relationships was formed by instinct rather than situation. He could not understand and so he would forever be hurt. His idea of love was pure and untainted by what society might think. That thought made Aaron want to touch his disheveled mop of hair, just as natural and instinct driven as Spencer’s mind was. Aaron did not realize that he had reached out and done this until it was too late. His fingertips touched a lock of Spencer’s hair and tucked it behind his ear. The touch made Spencer jolt and then recoil. Aaron felt the pang of guilt in his heart. 

“You’re right, Spencer. I just… you can’t understand what I’m going through.”

“I can try, but you won’t allow me to, Aaron. Pardon me, Agent Hotchner.”

That stung, but Aaron knew it was deserved. There was a long moment of silence between them before Aaron spoke.

“I’m scared,” he said honestly with a loss of breath.

“Then… there’s still a chance.”

“Do you even want there to be after the way I’ve treated you?”

“I know I’m supposed to refuse you after what’s happened, the way you walked out like that. But… it doesn’t feel right to me. I know that makes me weak, but I can’t pretend I’m not willing to try again.”

That sweetness and purity was killing Aaron. The guilt was pressing on his heart. He wanted to take Spencer in his arms and he couldn’t bring himself to do it because the fear was there, swelling and deepening with every emotion. 

“I want to be able to give myself to this, and to just let go but I need you to understand that this scares the hell out of me.”

Spencer brushed his hair away from his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Well, Aaron, I think you should stop being a little bitch.”

The words stunned Aaron, especially coming from Spencer’s mouth. It almost made him laugh, but the truth of it bored into him. He was, in Spencer’s words, being a little bitch. A terrified mouse. Less than a man. A man could face his personal truth and Aaron was running from his truth. Spencer was far more of a warrior than he could ever be. Spencer faced his truth and even accepted the weakness, which in turn became his strength. Aaron had never known anyone as honest as Spencer. He reached over to take the stack of books that Spencer had been holding the whole time and saw Spencer fidget and stick his hands in his pockets.

“We would have to make some ground rules, to protect both of us,” Aaron said.

“I know that.”

“And our relationship can never come between me and my son.”

“Of course not. I would respect your time and your connection with Jack.”

“How do we deal with the team?” Aaron asked.

“We tell them the truth eventually. Not soon. Just… eventually. David already knows and I think we can trust the others not to go to the higher-ups about it.”

This was all so clinical, so simple and straight forward. It felt like business negotiations, but these things had to be agreed upon. Jack was too important. Spencer seemed to understand that without hesitation. Aaron felt the tension in his chest unraveling and a strange euphoria engulfing him. His hands shook and he had to set the books down on a shelf. He shook out his hands and leaned over to catch his breath, as if he had just run a relay. The honesty of it all knocked the wind out of him. He stood back up straight and saw Spencer staring at him curiously, head tilted to the side like a bird. 

“Where do we start, Spencer?”

“Go to dinner with me tonight.”

“It’s that simple? We can start over like this?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“There’s a Japanese place on Wilton Avenue I would love to take you to…”

“I can meet you there at seven.”

“No, I’ll pick you up.”

“You don’t need to do that. It’s out of your way.”

“I would like to.”

“OK. Seven.”

 

###

 

The restaurant was one of those upscale places that had been featured in various foodie magazines. A friend who was a chef had told him about it and he thought that Spencer might like the authenticity of the place which specialized in historically accurate dishes. Aaron personally found the place a bit intimidating, but he felt a weird desire to impress Spencer, especially after being such a dick to him. He just wanted to do anything to make Spencer happy. Spencer had not said much in the car, but spent his time playing with the complicated GPS system in Aaron’s BMW. A hostess seated them by the window and Aaron instinctively pulled Spencer’s chair out for him, which seemed to amuse Spencer. 

“You don’t have to do those kinds of things, you know,” Spencer said with a soft curl of his lips.

“It’s a habit. Does it bother you?”

“No. Actually, it’s nice.”

“Spencer, I really am sorry about…”

“Shh, let’s not dwell on it. We’re starting over. I don’t expect you to promise anything to me. I just expect you to give it a try and not be a giant pussy about it.”

Aaron laughed at that.

“Dr. Spencer Reid, that’s three dirty words in one day. If you’re not careful, I’ll have to spank you.”

There was a familiar pink blush on Spencer’s face suddenly and a little hitch of breath. Aaron had only been teasing but seeing the visceral response made Aaron think he might try to introduce Spencer to a little kink play and see how he liked it. He wondered if Spencer might be too shy for such things though. Spencer tried to make small talk and failed. Aaron assured him he did not expect small talk and knew Spencer felt uncomfortable trying. He smiled when he saw that Spencer had trouble using the chopsticks. he had ssumed Spencer knew how to do everything.

“Tell me about Jack,” Spencer said with a genuine smile.

Aaron talked about Jack’s Head Start program and plans to eventually send him to a Montessori school. Spencer had a wealth of information about varied teaching methods and how each method benefited different personality types in children. He quoted long and intricate passages of books on child psychology and elaborated with his own notes on the subject. Aaron did not stop him. He valued Spencer’s opinion, particularly on that subject, and he asked if Spencer would be willing to take a look at some brochures and literature of different schools. He had private schools in mind that took years on the waiting list to get into. Spencer lit up with joy and said he was happy to assist. Aaron noticed that his putting his trust in Spencer to help with such a personal task seemed to clear the air and make Spencer relax. After a while, the conversation flowed easily and Spencer was laughing at stories about Aaron’s time in college and how he got so drunk once when he was eighteen that he peed in a fireplace. 

“So, you haven’t always played by the rules?”

Aaron grinned.

“How do you know I’m strictly by the rules now?”

“Is that flirting?” Spencer asked with that bird-like tilt of his head.

“Is it working?”

“I like seeing you smile. Why don’t you smile more often?”

Aaron thought about it for a long moment.

“There is a role I have to play. This team, we’re all family, and with any family there has to be a father figure or an authority figure to keep things on track. I have to make sure we can all go out in the field and maintain our safety. If anything goes wrong, that’s on me. I die a little every time one of you gets hurt, physically or emotionally and I know how this life takes a toll on all of us. So… it’s hard to smile.”

“Does that mean you are unhappy?”

Aaron took a deep breath.

“I’ve been unhappy for a while. I knew my marriage was dissolving a long while before it actually ended. So, yes, I’ve been unhappy. The thing that has been confusing and overwhelming me for the last couple of years is my attraction to you. I had to keep a lid on that, like I do now. I’ve not been taking this lightly, Spencer. It’s been a struggle not to…” he paused and gulped down a cup of sake.

“Not to what? Please tell me.”

Aaron met Spencer’s eyes.

“Not to take your face in my hands and kiss you and touch you and listen to all your brilliant ramblings. I don’t understand your mind, Spencer, but I’ve always wanted to be a part of it.”

“Even with all my problems?”

“Your problems are no worse than anyone else’s.”

“But my mother…”

“Is a brilliant woman with an affliction I have compassion for, Spencer. I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting her, but I would like to.”

“Do you think it’s possible for us to be a normal couple someday? The way people go out on dates and walk on beaches and hold hands…?”

“We’re on a date now and I would like to hold your hand.”

“Really?” Spencer tilted his head again.

“Does that surprise you?”

“No one’s ever wanted to hold my hand before.”

Aaron wondered how the hell the world had ignored Spencer Reid his whole life.

“Give me your hand.”

Slowly, Spencer slid his hand across the table, pushing a cup of hot tea aside. He seemed frightened. Aaron took his hand and traced small circles in his palm. Spencer shivered and looked astonished.

“People are staring,” Spencer said, glancing around the room. Aaron knew people were looking, as people often did at gay couples, particularly mismatched ones. 

“Let them stare.”

“I know you’re worried about what people will think…”

“Only my family, Spencer. Yes, I care about that, but I won’t let it dictate what I choose. I’m scared of what they might think but they will have to accept it. You know, Haley knows I have been with men. Our sex life was pretty liberal.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“And Jack is a smart little boy that has not been brought up to have prejudices. Seeing daddy with anyone but mommy will be confusing for him and I definitely have concerns about that, as any parent would.”

“Aaron, I totally understand. I would never want to do anything to make Jack unhappy.”

“Spencer, I’m not as strong as you. I never have been. I’ve been terrified. Like you said, I’ve been a little bitch.” Aaron smiled and felt Spencer’s hand curl around his. “But I want to grow up and I want us both to try this… together. I can put myself in it. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long.”

“You’re gonna make me cry and I really don’t want to do that in public, Aaron.”

“OK, I’ll stop. But…”

“But what?”

“Can I take you home with me?”

“Not tonight. I want to make you sweat it.”

“Fair enough. I deserve that,” Aaron smiled.

Spencer blushed and licked his lips.

“So… this is real?”

“This is real.”

“Drive me home then and don’t walk me to the door because then I’ll go to bed with you and I’m still mad at you and I need to process that fully.”

“I understand, Spencer.”

“But um… can we…”

“Go ahead and tell me what you want.”

“Can we make out in the car like horny teenagers?”

Aaron laughed and it was the most genuine laugh he had felt in years. 

“Of course we can. Anything you want.”


	9. Rossi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rossi offers a shoulder to lean on and some comfort.

A set of gruesome photos was pinned to the board and Garcia stood next to the flat screen with the remote control in hand, explaining the case. This one was one of the most bizarre. Three women had been killed on a remote island off the coast of Washington state. Each of the bodies had been found wrapped in gauze stuffed with wild herbs and flowers. 

“The first body was 23 year old Rachel Matowski, who worked as a toll booth operator at the ferry station on the island. Her body was found wrapped in gauze that was layered with flowers and aromatic herbs. All the hair had been removed from her body, including the hair on her head and her pubic area. Her forehead showed traces of some kind of perfume oil. Now here’s where it gets even creepier; her uterus had been cut out, scraped clean and then replaced again and the medical examiner said it looks like it was a pretty good job of it. She was sewn back up and wrapped in gauze. The second body was Janice Gresham, age 24, who was a college student from Seattle who was visiting her parents who lived on the island. She was found with all the same accoutrements of weird, except that poor Janice had her tongue removed as well. Victim number three was Kelly Carrows, age 19, who was found yesterday morning in much the same way, except that her body was painted with some kind of sticky oil the examiner hasn’t identified yet, then she was wrapped in gauze like the others.”

“Was her tongue removed?” Spencer asked, jotting down notes.

“No. Her tongue was intact. She’s the third victim in three months.”

“Is there a lunar pattern?”

“What?”

“Were the victims killed during significant lunar cycles, like a full moon?”

“Um… the dates are right here.” Garcia handed Spencer a list of information. He calculated that years lunar calendar in his head and quickly came up with the answer. 

“Each of these deaths occurred during a Gibbons moon. This is possibly a ceremonial event in the unsub’s mind. The way he has wrapped the bodies and left them in the open in nature indicates that he has a ritualistic nature to his kills. The flowers and herbs could be a sacrificial offering. Prehistoric pagans often had human sacrifices to mark important events in the lunar calendar. Ruins found in Bru Na Boyne in Ireland show evidence of pre-historic sacrifices where the bones of human remains were found with trace elements of herbs and pieces of wood that historians believe symbolized life after death. We could be looking at ceremonial killer working with the guidelines of prehistoric Celtic lore.”

“What about the uterus cut out of each victim?” JJ asked.

“There’s no direct correlation to pagan lore there, except the possibility that the unsub considers the removal of the uterus a cleansing ritual. Or perhaps he is harvesting an element of the uterus…”

“OK ew,” Garcia winced.

“You each have dossiers you can familiarize yourself with on the plane. It’s a long flight to Washington. Wheels up in thirty,” Aaron said with his patented glare. “Garcia, we’ll need you there too. The island is very rural and I need you to set up whatever communications are possible.”

Garcia looked flustered and excited.

“Yes, Sir. Right away Sir.”

Spencer kept his eyes to himself in an effort to not get caught staring by the rest of the team. Aaron had caught him staring several times and had scolded him for it. Spencer reminded himself that this was not only his lover but his boss and Aaron had an important role to play. It was important to keep their work life separate. Spencer had nodded at each of these mild scoldings and simply said, “Yes, Sir” because Aaron was right. They couldn’t be staring at each other moon-eyed at work. Spencer made it a point to keep this in line. He grabbed his go-bag and headed out to the airport. 

He was listening to Benoit Charest on the iPod Morgan got him for Christmas when Rossi sat down next to him and gave him a knowing look. Spencer switched off the music and smiled.

“How’s it going, kiddo?”

“Good. I guess it’s going really well.”

“Oh? Did uh… did you get that issue with Hotch worked out?” Rossi’s voice was a low whisper.

Spencer nodded and felt a hot blush stain his face. 

“After some initial complications, yes.”

“Did he apologize for that crap he pulled?”

“Yes. I haven’t completely cleared the slate but we’re working it out. David, I wanted to thank you for your advice and for helping me through that. I’m not good at this kind of stuff.”

“Yeah, I’m hip to that, kiddo. So, you two are really a thing now?”

“Yeah, it’s real. It’s really happening. I mean, it’s confusing but it’s definitely serious.”

“If he breaks your heart, I’ll kick his ass.”

Spencer smiled.

“I don’t know what to do about telling the rest of the team. I think it’s too soon for anyone to know, but I feel weird about lying to them.”

“You’ll tell them when the time is right. For now, focus on the job at hand. I saw you getting an eye full of Hotch this morning. If I noticed it, they’ll notice it too.”

“I didn’t realize it was that obvious.”

“Kiddo, you’ve been staring at him like a hobo staring at a roast beef sandwich for two years. I figured out a long time ago that you two had a thing for each other, but with Hotch being a family man… you know. It seemed pointless to say anything.”

“David… does um… does he look at me like that? I mean, when I’m not looking?”

“I’ve caught him giving you the eye a few times. But you know, it’s Hotch. He’s all about the job and he doesn’t allow himself distractions.”

“Well, there’s not much to look at I guess,” Spencer said, feeling awkward about anyone staring at him for any reason.

“Of course there is, kiddo. You look like a doe eyed giraffe.”

“Is that… good?” 

Rossi laughed.

“It’s good in my book. Is it so hard for you to understand that you’re a beautiful thing to look at?”

“I’ve never thought of myself that way.”

“Well, you should. You’ve got a disheveled runway model thing going on. Women like you, you know. Men do too. You just don’t notice it. C’mon now, look at these cheekbones.” Rossi brushed his knuckles over Spencer’s cheek and smiled. “Give yourself some credit.” 

“David, thank you for giving me someone to talk to about these things. I didn’t have a father or brothers growing up. I didn’t have any males in my life at all actually and so I’ve had to figure things out on my own. That hasn’t been easy and I’ve often made of mess of things on my own.”

“Well, if you ever want to talk, I’m here. In fact, when this nightmare is over, I’d like to take you out. Consider it a date. I’ll be a sympathetic ear and if you need to get things off your chest, I’ll listen. How about it, kiddo? Some excellent Italian food, the best wine you’ve ever had in your life and a cuban cigar?”

Spencer smiled.

“I’ve never had a cigar.”

“Well, these are the best. Hotch better treat you right. I’ll pull out all the stops and he can run to catch up.”

“That sounds really nice, David. Thank you.” 

Rossi clapped him on the back and ruffled his hair affectionately before getting up to go and sit with Garcia and play cards. Spencer switched the playlist on his iPod to lessons in Italian and stared out the window with a smile on his face.


	10. North Pacific Gothic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team investigates a series of bizarre ritual killings on a remote island in the North Pacific. Spencer and Aaron grow closer.

At SEA-TAC airport in Seattle, they transferred to a small plane that Rossi referred to as a “Buddy Holly plane” with more than a little shifty nervousness. Spencer briefly considered holding the other man’s hand as a gesture of comfort but he wasn’t sure if that was socially acceptable. They flew over mottled stretches of Pacific ocean dotted with forested islands, rain drizzling against the windows of the plane. Spencer looked around and saw that even Morgan, who was usually reserved in situations like this, was clutching his stomach as the plane dropped a little in altitude. Prentiss gasped and then regained her composure. JJ shut her window and exhaled. Prentiss kissed a little gold cross on her neck. Garcia looked wide eyed and in a personal battle with terror. Aaron sat stoic, the always in charge leader of the realm. Nothing cracked him. Nothing but a finger in his ass, Spencer thought and then silently admonished himself for the crass thought. The island was indeed remote, a forested jewel of dark green edged by rocky shoreline that jutted out from crashing ocean waves. 

“Why the hell would anyone live out here?” Garcia asked, clutching the arm of the seat during another sudden drop in altitude. 

“To get away from everyone else,” Prentiss interjected. 

“Oh my God, are those whales?”

“Humpback whales are migrating this season,” Spencer explained. “These islands are prime locations for whale spotting. There is a small but thriving tourist industry on the islands.”

“This flight is a rock polisher,” Rossi said, rolling up his cuffs.

“If I never see a plane like this again, I will be happy,” Garcia sucked in a deep breath as the plane turned to aim at the shockingly short runway. “Doesn’t Hotchner ever get nervous? I mean look at him. He’s just stone faced. He’s like… a horny eagle.”

Rossi huffed a small laugh, despite his nerves. The plane landed and everyone relaxed but only until they were out in the drizzling rain and fog of the island, which seemed to have an aura of gothic about it. The island’s single police constable met them at the air strip accompanied by three detectives from Seattle. They all bundled in raincoats and loaded everyone into off road four by fours. They arrived at a tourist lodge that had been empty for three months due to rumors of satanic murders on the island. The lodge was a large rustic log cabin with a wrap around deck dotted with rocking chairs. In just three months, the place had gone from a well kept tourist facility to an abandoned ghost mill. White sheets covered much of the furniture. There was a large kitchen with a wood burning stove, a dining room with two long tables for guests that looked out over the crashing sea, a living room with a fireplace built into a huge stone wall and eight bedrooms, four of which were cut off from the rest of the house and currently used as storage. 

Garcia immediately started setting up her command center in the dining room. They each dropped their go-bags in their respective rooms. Rossi claimed the one single room. Morgan and Garcia took a room together, with Garcia looking particularly excited by that action. JJ and Prentiss took a room together and Spencer and Aaron took the room on the bottom floor. Rossi flashed Spencer his knowing look and Spencer tried not to blush. They dove into the work, pouring over the profile with any information they could decipher. Morgan and JJ went to interview the relatives of the second victim. Garcia set up satellite connection at the lodge. Rossi and Prentiss went to the first dump site and Aaron and Spencer went to the most recent. The drizzle was relentless. The off road vehicles crawled through unpaved, mud soaked roads. The local constable, a ruddy cheeked redhead named Scott Billinger, drove them through the unforgiving terrain until the vehicle suddenly stopped in the mud.

“What’s going on?” Aaron asked, interrupting a call to Garcia.

“We’ve got a flat AND we’re stuck in the mud,” Scott informed them, then sneezed, coughed and shivered. Aaron heard the rattle in the man’s chest. He had a pretty advanced cold, possibly the flu. He looked weak from it and Aaron knew he would be of little use to the situation. 

“I’ll deal with it,” Aaron said. Scott nodded, not arguing.

Spencer moved to get out of the vehicle and help, but Aaron waved him back down.

“There’s no point in both of us getting soaked. Stay put.”

But Spencer felt that would make him useless and Spencer hated feeling useless. He protested, insisted he could at least help, and Aaron glared at him. He slid back down in his seat and pulled his coat around him. 

“Reid, you get behind the wheel.”

“OK… what do I do?”

He searched his mental rolodex to find anything about getting flats and stuck in the mud on a horror movie island and found nothing of use. Aaron got out of the vehicle and crouched down, examining the tire.

“An old rusty nail,” he announced. “Went right through the tire. OK, we’re going to have to roll the car out of the mud and get it to dry ground to change the tire. I saw a spare in the back.”

“Dry ground? Out here?” Spencer raised an eyebrow.

“OK, something less like a mud lake at least.”

“Aaron… I mean, Hotch… I can help.”

“Stay inside. That’s an order.”

Spencer watched Aaron duck into the back of the SUV and come out with a thick plank of wood. He wedged it under the front tire and gestured for Spencer to take the wheel and edge the SUV up over the plank. Aaron was soaking wet in less than five minutes. His dark hair plastered to his face. 

“Is it working?”

“A little more. Edge out!”

Spencer revved the engine and edged up over the plank and onto reasonably stable ground. Scott sneezed again and looked miserable. Once the car was on stable ground, Aaron opened the back again and rolled out the spare tire. Spencer instinctively opened the car door to get out and help but Aaron snapped at him.

“Reid! I said stay in the car!”

The authoritative voice made him immediately obey. He watched from the car as Aaron deftly managed the situation and the confidence the man had made Spencer tingle. Only when the tire was rolled out and ready did Aaron let Spencer get out of the car, and then he would not allow him to help. 

“Keep warm if you can,” Aaron instructed.

When the tire was changed, Aaron slipped into the driver’s seat, dismissing Scott to the back seat where he continued to sneeze and cough.

“It’s up here, down that path to the left. It get rockier up toward the crime scene.”

With flashlights in the dim Northern light, they went on foot until they found the dump site, which in this case was also the kill site. 

“He must have had a vantage point from here. Look, you can see the ferry dock if you stand up on these rocks…”

“He’s left markers. There are symbols carved into this tree….”

The sun was going down and they gathered what information they could, then headed back to the lodge to compile everything with the rest of the team. On the way down the hill, an eight point deer darted in front of the SUV and Aaron slammed on the brakes, the animal glaring at them with illuminated eyes in the headlights. Aaron’s arm shot out to hold Spencer back from slamming into the dashboard. That would never work, of course, Spencer thought, but it was an instinctual Dad-response that Aaron had applied to him. They looked at each other and Spencer managed a nervous smile. Aaron exhaled and Scott sneezed. 

At the lodge, JJ and Prentiss were pouring over information they had gathered and Morgan and Rossi were gathering wood from the stacks at the back of the lodge for the fire and wood stove. Garcia shrugged at them and adjusted her glitter pink glasses.

“The connection here is dismal but I picked up a satellite connection that’s shaky at best.”

“I’m going to need you to set up surveillance cameras at vantage points on the island in the morning, Garcia. You can come with me and Reid. It’s likely that the unsub will be watching us, so we all need to practice extreme caution while on this island. Garcia, you should never be on your own from now on. Understood?”

“Yes Sir. Thank you, Sir. I’m glad to hear I won’t be alone in this terrifying murder cabin, Sir.”

Spencer saw Morgan smile while carrying in an armload of firewood. He saw the hint of a smile curl on Aaron’s mouth but then it was back to the hawk eyed stoic face. 

“We should all turn in early,” Prentiss said. 

Aaron nodded and cast a glance at Spencer, making his stomach tighten. Spencer unzipped his go-bag and found his flannel pajamas, climbing into bed and feeling Aaron slip in next to him, warm arms enveloping him. Spencer felt the strange feeling of being completely safe in a most terrifying situation. With Aaron, he was safe.


	11. Strange Charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer is gone from the trail.

Aaron carried a titanium case full of equipment through forest and mud-slick trails that wound up around the hilly areas of the island. Spencer scouted up ahead and occasionally stopped to wave them along to follow him. Garcia struggled with the climb. At the beginning, she insisted on carrying the equipment case herself, but it was slowing her down and Aaron eventually just plucked it from her hands. She did not protest. Her glasses were fogged up in the drizzle. She was pecking her way along the path in puffy purple rain boots and a matching rain coat. Aaron held out a hand to assist her up a steep length of rock and fallen tree branches. 

“Do you guys have to hike like this often?” she asked, out of breath. “Because, you know… cake.”

Aaron resisted a smile. He always enjoyed Garcia’s little quips, but he wouldn’t encourage her. It seemed out of place. 

“More often than you might think, but this is more than what we usually do.”

“Oh, Sir! Look…”

Aaron looked up ahead and saw Spencer standing on a long outcrop of stone, waving his hands and pointing down toward the ocean.

“That’s the second kill site,” Aaron said. “Garcia, get it together.”

He saw that she put all her effort into it. He did not feel comfortable bringing her into a situation like this, but they needed her on this job. They met up with Spencer and he instantly started spouting off every bit of information he could gather from the kill site, even though the weather had washed away most of what any normal person could see. 

“Garcia,” Spencer said. “We need you to rig up cameras at these points… right here… here… and here…”

“Right away, boy wonder.”

Aaron shot her a hawk eyed glance and she smiled and shrugged, muttering,

“What? He’s adorkable.”

Aaron smiled and continued searching the perimeter. He was assisting Garcia with pinning wires across the trunk of a tree to attach cameras to when he felt Garcia tug on the sleeve of his coat.

“Garcia?”

“Sir… where is Reid, Sir?”

Aaron spun around and saw that Spencer was gone. 

“Reid?” Reid! Spencer?”

There was no answer. He called out Spencer’s name dozens of times and there was only the hollow echo of his voice. Garcia joined in the chants and they heard nothing in return.

“Oh my God, what the hell is happening?” Garcia was losing her breath.

“Garcia, stay right behind me.” Aaron drew his sidearm and stepped into the thicket of foggy forest. Garcia was struggling to make her way through the terrain with fogged up glasses. “Hang onto my belt.”

“OK, Sir.”

He felt her grip the leather of his belt and could feel her hands tremble.

“Spencer?”

No answer. 

“Garcia, call the team.”

“Right away, Sir.” She fumbled for her radio control. “Sir, there’s no reception here.”

“All right. Stay behind me where I can feel your hand. Garcia, if something happens, you run that way, OK? Right down the hill. Don’t stop and look back. The cabin is that way and you’ll likely run into one of the team. Understand?”

“Oh Jesus. Yes, Sir.”

He picked his way through the narrowing trail until it tapered into nothing and still, no sign of Spencer. He searched for foot tracks. Spencer’s size eleven shoes, nowhere to be found. His heart raced. He was panicking and he knew that was the worst thing he could do. He needed to keep a clear head. He needed to find Spencer and keep Garcia safe. He could feel that she was absolutely terrified. 

“Garcia, I need to cover us. I want you to focus on the ground. Look for Spencer’s foot tracks. A size eleven hiking shoe.”

“Sir, I can barely see where I’m going.”

“All right. Just hang on then.”

He felt her grip tighter and struggle to step over a fallen tree branch.

“But Sir… I can see THAT.”

She pointed ahead and Aaron aimed his weapon, securing the area before stepping into a small clearing. A giant gnarled tree overlooked a clearing dotted with six large piles of soggy wet leaves and wood mulch. From the branches of the trees hung dozens of wooden charms spanning two hands length each, all burned with symbols that Aaron did not recognize. Hanging from twine at the bottom of each wooden charm was a single shoe. There were maybe a dozen single shoes, all the left shoe. Aaron could see that the older ones hung up higher than the newer ones. The trunk of the tree was carved with a spiral in the neolithic celtic style. It made no sense to Aaron. It would have made sense to Spencer. Everything made sense to Spencer. 

“Spencer!”

No answer. Then Garcia tugged on his belt and stammered,

“Sir… oh God, Sir look…”

Hanging by a piece of twine was a size eleven hiking shoe. Brown Timberland boots with blue laces. Unmistakably Spencer. Rossi had noted earlier that day that only Spencer Reid could wear electric blue laces with Timberlands and make it look good. Garcia had heard that and agreed. Now, the left boot was hanging low from a tree branch with a hastily tied piece of twine and a wooden charm with a wood burned symbol that looked like a rune. Aaron felt his stomach flip. He felt the hair on the back of his neck prickle and the blood race in his veins. He felt his heart break. The wind was knocked out of him with panic. He had to take a moment to lean against the trunk of a tree and gather himself. Garcia looked terrified and confused about his reaction. Certainly she had seen him react with more stability to equally terrifying situations and this time he was breaking down. 

“Garcia, try the reception again.”

“Sir, I’m trying. There’s nothing.”

“Jesus, I can’t breathe…”

“Sir, I think you’re having a panic attack.”

“Yes, I am… I’m sorry, Penelope.”

“Penelope? Wow, Sir, you never call me Penel… um… Sir, what can I do?”

“Just stay close. I don’t want to lose you too.”

He could see that she read between the lines. She knew he needed her close because he needed someone to hold on to. He gasped for air and doubled over, clutching his stomach. 

“Sir? Please.” Garcia timidly stepped toward him and wrapped her arms around him, holding him protectively against the trunk of the tree, steadying him. For a moment, he just let himself go. He slumped into her arms and laid his cheek against the soft nest of damp hair on her head. He knew it was inappropriate, but they weren’t agents now. They were human beings, and Spencer was missing. “I love him too, Sir.”


	12. Oil & Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer wakes to find himself the hostage of a madman.

An acrid smell assaulted his nostrils as his eyes opened and started to process the room around him. It was cold and wet. Only a dimply flickering battery operated camp lantern offered light, hung from the ceiling on a piece of twine. The walls, what he could see of them, appeared to be bare earthen walls. He was tied down to a wood framed slab, the bed frame of a twin size bed with the mattress replaced by a thick wooden board fixed with restraints. He struggled to turn his head to see everything but it was so painful to turn his neck that the room spun when he tried. He struggled to move his arms and legs but they were fixed to the board with zip ties and the board was anchored to the floor. With a mortified jolt, he realized he was completely naked and struggled to emotionally move past that fact. He breathed in and out deeply in an effort to calm himself. Panic was rising and bringing bile to the top of his throat. 

“Help! Someone help! Can anyone hear me?” he shouted. His voice echoed in the room. “A cave. I’m in a cave. Where the hell am I…? Aaron! Aaron! Morgan! JJ! Somebody please!”

A hand suddenly covered his mouth and he struggled to breathe. The hand smelled of thickly scented herbs, the flesh slick with oil. 

“Shh,” a man’s voice hushed him. “You’re not ready yet. There is work to do. The huntress is prepared and she calls for a mate to quicken her womb.”

The hand slid away, leaving a streak of oil across Spencer’s face. The plain and almost featureless face of the island’s constable was only inches from Spencer’s face. The man smiled and nodded. 

“What do you want?” Spencer asked, meeting his eyes.

“I knew you were the right one the moment I saw you. The stag will ride the sky and roam the woods searching for his lady for The Great Rite. He will appear as a youth shrouded in a halo of wheat curls, a golden harvest. Beside him ride the six hunters who will chase the moon into her cradle as the lady births the dead of the new world. One is the sentinel, dark with the eyes of a haunted man, and it is he who will give a sacrifice of his heart to the fortune of the birth…”

“I’m not the stag… I’m not anything like that… please, you need to let me go…”

“The first one was not pure. She had been scraped and emptied. The second one’s womb was rotten of cancer. It was the third that the lady chose. Now, the lord stag has come through you to take his prize, his bride in the otherworld. She is beautiful. You should see her. You will be pleased with her. Now, we must prepare you…”

Spencer struggled but felt the man’s hand crank his mouth open and stuff several acrid tasting leaves inside. He tried to spit them out but the hand clamped down and Spencer could do nothing but relent. A few moments later he began to feel his eyelids getting heavy. He fought the temptation to pass out and just let go. The leaves were some kind of sedative. It was working fast, clouding his mind and making his head spin. Possibly katero leaves, he thought. They had a hallucinogenic property and the acrid smell… but he couldn’t think now. Couldn’t scream or yell. His hands relaxed. His shoulders slumped. He begged to be let go but it came out of his mouth in a senseless mumble. Then, darkness.

He did not know how long he had slept. His eyes fluttered open to find that the thick haze of dizziness was still there. The bitter taste of leaves in his mouth. A length of tape had been fixed to his mouth and fresh leaves had been stuffed under his tongue. He could not spit them out. He struggled again, but the bindings were too tight. The zip ties were cutting into his wrists and ankles. He closed his eyes and wondered if this would be the end. The man appeared again, smiling and strangely calm as he ranted about the horned god and the Great Rite. Spencer recognized the myths. These were one man’s interpretations of ancient rites, blessings for crops, for luck and for prosperity. In modern paganism there was no place for human sacrifice and these traditions had long since been transformed into simple ceremonies revolving around a love of nature. This man was calling up his own strange aspects of what would have been known as The Horned One or The Great Stag, and aspects of various Goddesses. The Great Rite was when the stag mounted the Goddess and the harvest would be blessed. He was harkening to ancient connections involving wrapping and preparing an animal sacrifice. This man’s mind had perverted the mythology, added his own psychosis and played on ancient and modern ideas. Spencer could not talk his way out of this one, not with his mouth taped shut. 

The man leaned over him and Spencer remembered that he had introduced himself as Charlie to the team. Charlie Kincaid. Charlie held a handful of strong smelling flowers. Spencer looked up and saw that dozens of bundles of these flowers hung on a length of twine overhead, all of them having been soaked in some kind of acrid solution. 

“Your feet,” Charlie said, grinning. “We’ll start with your feet…”

Spencer felt the flowers pressed against the soles of his feet and then wrapped in a tight bandage of gauze that had been soaked in oil… tea tree oil, Spencer thought. Or maybe balsam? 

“The hair,” Charlie said, moving up to grab a handful of Spencer’s hair. “The Lady will want this. Such fine hair. I saw you and I just knew you were the one for her. We’ll save the hair for last, so that its luster will stay. I’ll cut it off and we’ll braid the pieces into a token for her. You can give it to her yourself. Oh, she will like you. Now… the next batch is almost done boiling…”

More flowers and more oil soaked gauze wrapping the flowers against his legs, up to his thighs.

“What to do with this…” The man grabbed ahold of Spencer’s penis and Spencer winced and struggled to yell, but there was no use. “We shall bind it down and soak the flesh in mott oil. That will keep you prepared for her.”

Spencer struggled in his bonds and felt tears stain his face. Gauze was wrapped around his hips, his thighs and his waist, pulling tight and leaving little room to breathe. He was being mummified. The realization cut through the foggy haze of the drugs. The panic made his blood rush and he felt himself slip into fast darkness again. 

###

Dreams came quickly. Flashes of what he had done and what he had not. Things he had yet to say to his mother. Things he wanted to say to Aaron. The times he had trusted Aaron to see him through to the end. The times he had wanted to say ‘I love you’ and could not. He dreamed of Aaron and Jack. Aaron pushing Jack on a swing. He dreamed of Rossi drinking wine and laughing. He dreamed of a little girl named Amanda that he kissed once when he was ten. He dreamed of having his tonsils taken out and strawberry jello. He dreamed of Penelope Garcia bringing him cupcakes for his birthday and JJ hugging him. JJ was the first person aside from his mom who ever hugged him. He dreamed of Prentiss beating him at cards and of Morgan tossing him a football in the parking garage. Simple dreams, but the loveliest dreams he ever had.


	13. Endless Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron, Rossi and Garcia go searching for Spencer.

A search team spread out over the island. The rain had briefly let up for just a couple of hours before drizzling down again. The constable, Charles Kinkaid was also missing, as well as a seventeen year old boy named Timothy Wright. 

“The background on Timothy Wright shows no serious signs of the crazy,” Garcia said from the back seat of the car Aaron drove. Rossi was in the front seat, mapping out the terrain of the island on a detailed surveyor map. 

“How about Kincaid?”

“I did a detailed background check on Charles Kincaid. He did some time in juvie for vandalism and a three month stint in a rehabilitation clinic in Tacoma when he was twenty-three to treat an addiction to oxy. He was married twice. The first wife died of ovarian cancer. The second one divorced him and took the two children with her. He has supervised visitations twice a month.”

“That’s pretty standard American dysfunction,” Aaron said.

“Indeed, but check this out; Kincaid took online university courses in prehistoric mythology and two years ago he belonged to a group based in Gig Harbor, Washington called ‘Astara’ which is a pagan coven that practices Wicca. I called the coven leader of that group, one Mrs. Marcia Steadman, otherwise known as Adawyn, and she told me that two years ago, the group made a collective decision to boot Kincaid out of the coven because he was, and I quote, ‘being hella creepy.’”

“So, this guy has some kind of reconstructive fantasy? He’s recreating pagan myths?” Aaron asked.

“According to Adawyn, he was obsessed with the idea of bringing the coven into the otherworld.”

“The otherworld?” Aaron asked.

“A loosely constructed pagan concept about another dimension that souls can pass through and live among the dead,” Rossi offered.

“Like… zombies?” Garcia said.

“No,” Rossi handed the map back to Garcia. “More like the realm of the fae and mythological creatures, a world that is considered the origin of all things. To do that, he has to invoke The Great Rite…”

“I thought that was just a harvest blessing,” Garcia said, then shrugged when Rossi looked at her. “What? I toyed with Wicca when I was in high school.”

“The Great Rite is usually a sexual act, or more often a simulated sexual act, between two willing partners that invokes a deity for the purpose of blessing a harvest or a seasonal cycle, but to reach the otherworld, the Great Rite would have to be a sacrificial rite… and I think this unsub is killing, searching for the perfect specimen to be the lord and lady.”

“And he’s taken Reid to be one of his sacrifices?”

“I think he sees Reid as the Great Stag. Those wooden charms we saw on the tree branches, they are futhark runes.”

“Viking?” Aaron asked.

“Norse runes, but the style is usually found in the Northern Scottish islands, like Shetland and Orkney, places the Vikings settled and mixed with the Celts. It means this guy is all over the place with his belief system. He has built his own mythology taking bits and pieces from many different sects of paganism,” Rossi said, then pointed outside the window to a long trail that narrowed off to the left. “See that outcrop of stone?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s not natural. It shouldn’t be there. It’s a six foot boulder edged by moss on the wrong side. Stop the car.”

“Garcia, stay right behind us.”

She nodded and followed dutifully. Aaron wouldn’t leave her at the lodge alone or in the car… alone. They hiked through the thicket of trees to the large stone and found that it had been moved from further down the shore. 

“A marker of some kind?” Rossi asked.

“The terrain is mostly the same throughout the island,” Aaron replied. “He might be reminding himself where he’s done his kills, so he can come back and enjoy it.”

“Guys, look…” Garcia said, and moved closer to the stone, pointing out a spiral symbol etched into the thick layer of moss.

“Garcia, don’t!” Rossi shouted, but it was too late. Aaron saw a flash of blond hair and heard the crunch of bone.

“Garcia!” Aaron hurdled over the broken tree branches that surrounded the site and saw that she had fallen into a pit trap laid out by Kincaid. The ground had come loose beneath her and sent her crashing down into a seven foot deep pit dotted with wooden pikes. Through some amazing luck, the pike she had struck had not been set in the ground strong enough and gave way beneath her. “Garcia, are you all right?”

“Oh my God… oh God… I’m… yeah… I think my ankle is broken… oh God… yeah, it’s busted. But the spike… it didn’t go through anything… it collapsed… oh Jesus, what the hell just happened? Oh my God…”

“Try to stay calm,” Rossi said, looking around for a way to get her out.

“Oh my God, I’m trapped! Oh God… what do I do? I can’t breath… no, I’m breathing too much… I can’t… oh God…”

Aaron knelt down and peered over the lip of the pit, fixing his eyes on her. She instantly stilled and looked stunned, her whole body trembling.

“Penelope.”

“Yes, Sir?”

“I need you to be calm. OK? Can you calm down for me?”

“Yes… yes, Sir. I think so, Sir.”

“OK, good. We’re going to pull you out of there, but it’s wet and muddy and you need to be calm and steady so we can get you out.”

“Oh God… OK, Sir.”

“Now, first, pull up the rest of those pikes.”

“Right, Sir.”

He watched as Garcia frantically tugged at each wooden stake, hobbling on one foot and wincing in pain. He didn’t want her to slip and fall on the way out and impale herself on the pikes. 

“Good girl,” Aaron said. Rossi had his sidearm drawn and was covering them both. “Now, I need you to take a deep breath and steady yourself. Give me your hand…”

She reached up and he saw her terrified face. Rossi holstered his gun to take her other hand. She pushed her foot against the mud caked wall of the pit and they pulled, but her hands were slippery and she fell back again, screaming. It was not that far down, but it was difficult to get out of. They tried again and again, she fell backward, landing on her backside and yelping in pain from her ankle.

“Don’t worry about me… just… go and find Reid…” she cried.

“We’re getting you out, Penelope. Just stay calm.”

Again, they pulled and she scrambled up, grasping Rossi’s leg to stay at the top until Aaron could pull the rest of her out of the pit. She was gasping for breath and pulling her legs up to her chest.

“Penelope. Penelope!” Aaron crouched down to meet her eyes and again, his stare had that stilling effect on her. 

“Yes, Sir?”

“We need to get you to a doctor.”

“No! You need to find Reid!”

The problem was, she was right.

“If you’re with us, you can’t walk and I can’t keep you safe.”

“I’ll be fine on my own. I’ll stay in the car.”

“He could find you,” Aaron said, brushing wet leaves off of her shoulders.

“You need to have everyone looking for Reid. You know that.”

“Rossi can stay with you.”

“No! Goddammit, Hotch, you know you need everyone out looking for Reid and I’m in the way! I can defend myself.”

“How?” Rossi asked.

“With a gun.”

“Penelope.”

“No, I’m serious. I took the training courses, you know. I don’t like guns but in this case, I can do it.”

“We’ll take you back to the lodge, and…”

“No! It will take an hour on these trails, maybe more. Reid might not have an hour!”

“Aaron,” Rossi said with a solemn tone. “Give her a piece.”

“Penelope, if I do this, you have to stay calm. You have to stay in the SUV with the doors locked. You have to be sure of what you’re doing. You can’t get nervous and be trigger happy.”

“No Sir, I won’t be. Sir, you can trust me. Please, find Reid.”


	14. Nothing To Hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer is awake.

He didn’t know how many hours it had been. Could it have been a day and a night? The lantern flickered overhead and he saw a moth settle on the metal cage of the light. The leaves in his mouth were wearing off. Soon, Charlie Kincaid would be back to finish his binding. The man had bound Spencer up to the chest in oil soaked gauze and boiled flowers. Spencer woke to find that his hair had been combed back with oil. There were tiny petals of flowers on his eyelids. 

“It’s dark out.” Charlie Kincaid appeared over him again, startling him. “Your sentinels have not come for you. They know you are made for the great lady as much as I do.”

Charlie removed the tape from his mouth and Spencer started yelling, hoping someone would hear him. The leaves in his mouth were choking him and he struggled to spit them out. Suddenly, Charlie grabbed a handful of Spencer’s hair and yanked his head back against the board.

“Why must you fight me? The others fought me and it ruined everything! You should be honored! The great lady has chosen you! You are her consort and will take us into the dark world! Don’t you understand what a blessing this is?”

Charlie pinned his throat with the other hand and squeezed tightly, cutting off his air. 

 

“Now, you will be silent and respectful. You will dream and be at peace, or SO HELP ME GOD YOU WILL DREAM FOREVER!”

Charlie’s face was contorted with rage. The calm and reverent demeanor he once had gave way to frustration and rage that consumed him. He was devolving quickly. His fantasy had overwhelmed any reason he might have once had. There was no way back for him, and Spencer knew that. He struggled to keep his mouth closed as more of the leaves were stuffed under his tongue and his mouth was taped shut. The dizzy sleepiness was pulling him under again and he could not fight it anymore. 

He woke in fragments of time, tiny moments in almost-darkness that seemed too frightening to be real. He saw Charlie Kincaid naked. He saw the scars on his body, self inflicted and now raised white scars on pale pink skin. He saw Charlie reach to touch him and he recoiled but could not get away. He let sleep take him back rather than deal with the reality of what Charlie might be doing to him. He woke again to find Charlie wrapping more gauze around his shoulder. Then sleep. Then the screech of an animal… a little gray rabbit, as Charlie slit it’s throat and raised the poor creature up over Spencer’s body and dripped blood. Spencer struggled not to vomit. He could not scream. He was wide eyed and helpless. He wanted to die. Except… there was his mother to live for… and Aaron. There was Prentiss and Morgan and JJ and Rossi and Garcia and… hand over his throat again to quiet him, but Spencer could not be quiet. 

“YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING!”

And darkness.

 

The ear-ringing sound of a gun shot woke him. He could hear nothing then for several minutes, but his eyes were struggling to focus and his body was coming alive. He could see Rossi, standing under the lantern, gun raised and aimed, tendrils of smoke wafting around his hands. He could see Aaron hovering over him, saying something… what was it? He couldn’t hear. He felt the tape being gently pulled off of his mouth and he choked, trying to spit out the leaves. He was still drugged. He could feel nothing. Nothing seemed real. Aaron was cutting the zip ties and freeing him from the restraints, pulling Spencer up off the board and embracing him. Spencer felt nothing. His limbs were numb. His head lolled back and he felt the sleep envelope him again. The light flickered out.

He woke to the sound of a strange woman’s voice.

“He has a lot of tracheal bruising and a hematoma on his wrist, but otherwise, he is physically unharmed. He’s going to need a lot of rest though and I can’t say much about his mental health after something like this…”

A woman in her fifties with a long gray braid and a flannel shirt was carefully cutting away the gauze and brushing aside the bundles of herbs and flowers. He saw Garcia sitting on a couch, her leg propped up on pillows. He saw Prentiss looking down at him, worried. He smelled Rossi’s aftershave, somewhere near. He was laying on the dining table at the lodge. Someone had laid a blanket down and they were using the dining room as a makeshift clinic since there was not one on the island. 

“Young man… what’s his name? Spencer? Spencer, can you hear me?” the woman asked. He nodded. “I’m Theresa Shipley. I’m a retired army medic and I’m cutting away these bandages, all right? Don’t be scared. I have scissors near you, so don’t move, all right? You’re safe now. You’re with your friends.”

Spencer nodded, though he felt himself begin to hyperventilate. The reality was pushing to the surface. With each slip of the gauze away from his skin, he felt the reality surge. He was starting to panic. He wasn’t exactly certain what was happening to him. This is shock, he thought. No, something else entirely. He struggled to move his hands with the drugged grogginess keeping him down. Theresa tried to steady him.

“Just one more minute, Spencer. Stay still if you can.”

“Aaron? Where is Aaron? Please… where is Aaron!”

Aaron was suddenly right beside him, and Spencer realized he had been there all along, his hands cradling Spencer’s head. 

“Shh, I’m right here.”

“Oh God, Aaron… what did he do to me? He was… he was going…”

Theresa finished swiping the bandages away and Spencer did not even register that he was naked. He did not register that the whole team was there, watching. He did not know or care. He grabbed onto Aaron desperately and pressed his face against his chest, feeling Aaron’s quickened heartbeat. He kissed Aaron’s lips and Aaron kissed him back. He clung to him and could not let go. Aaron held him tight and pulled him close, grabbing the blanket and pulling it around Spencer’s shivering body.

“It’s all right, baby. I’ve got you now. You’re safe. He’s dead. Rossi shot him and he’s gone. You’re with me now. I’m not letting go.”

“I love you, Aaron… all I could think of in there was that I have something to live for now and I thought of you and I love you…”

“I know, baby. I love you too.”

“Hotch,” Morgan’s voice. “Is he in shock?”

“No,” Aaron said. “He’s alive, and he has nothing to hide anymore.”


	15. The Final Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron contemplates his relationship with Spencer and Spencer deals with the aftermath of Charlie Kincaid.

The city of Seattle buzzed with life outside the hotel window. Aaron had been on the phone for hours, dealing with the aftermath of the case. The press was calling Charles Kincaid The New Moon Killer, even though that name had little to do with the case at all. It would be a couple more days before the team could go home, though this was at least more downtime than being actively on a case. Aaron finished a phone call, made notes in his laptop and looked at Spencer. He sat in a chair by the window, looking out at the ever-present Seattle rain. He was in his flannel pajama pants and one of Aaron’s button down white shirts, which Aaron had trouble not staring at. Spencer was beautiful, though he might not know it, and the slender angle of his clavicle looked graceful at the collar of the shirt, the top three buttons undone. Spencer sat with his knees pulled up to his chest, curling his six foot two frame into a smaller space than should be possible. His damp hair clung to his temples and a stray lock fell into one eye. He had taken five showers, trying to wash the oil off of him that he thought had permeated his skin. Aaron could not smell anything but clean skin, but Spencer was convinced. He drank endless glasses of water, trying to flush the bitter herbs from his mouth. Aaron kissed him and tasted nothing but Spencer’s toothpaste and the sweetness of bubble gum he had been chewing on to try to get rid of the acrid taste he was convinced was still there. 

Once they were off that miserable island, they had taken Spencer to Edwin Mercer Memorial Hospital in Seattle. They had examined him and found bruising around his throat, cuts and bruises on his wrists and ankles and some bruising on his abdomen, shoulders and lower back, likely from struggling against the anchored board. Otherwise, he was physically all right. Emotionally was another issue. That had been yesterday morning and since then, Spencer had not gotten out of the chair by the window except to shower and brush his teeth dozens of times. Aaron had asked Spencer to sleep in the bed, but he shook his head no and pulled his knees up, nodding off in the wing back chair. Aaron barely slept himself but when he did, it was fitful and he often woke up to the sound of Spencer’s soft hitching breath. He was crying. Aaron had tried to comfort him, but Spencer had given him a half smile with a profound amount of sadness in it and simply said,

“Get some sleep, Aaron.”

The next morning, not much had changed. Spencer sat by the window and watched people pass by on the street below. Aaron touched his face and at least he did not flinch the way he had the day before. 

“You haven’t eaten anything, Spence.”

“Not hungry.”

“The team is going to dinner tonight at a place just down the street. We can walk there. I think you’d like it. It’s one of those places that’s been around a century.”

“You go. I’ll just… order in.”

“You won’t eat. I know you.”

“Do they know we are sharing a room?” Spencer asked.

“Yeah, they do.”

“And do they know we are… you know?”

“They have a pretty good inkling.” Aaron sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to hold Spencer’s hand. Spencer eyed Aaron’s hand as if it were an alien thing, but he did not recoil. That was a step in the right direction. 

“Does everyone know what he did to me?”

Aaron paused, but decided the truth was best.

“Yeah, baby. They do.”

“He kept… touching me… there. You know? He kept saying he was preparing me for The Great Rite, and he kept touching me between my legs. And I was unconscious through a lot of it, but… there was one time I woke up and…”

“Tell me when you’re ready.”

“I woke up and I was…” Spencer winced. “Erect.”

“Spence, your body just has a natural reaction, and you were drugged. You couldn’t help it.”

“But my body responded to THAT.”

“No, it didn’t. It simply responded to stimuli and you were in no condition to control the response. Spencer, look at me…” Spencer met his eyes. “None of this is your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all.”

“I don’t even know if I can be normal in that way now. I mean with sex. I’m afraid of what I might feel.”

“We can take our time. You can take all the time you need and I’ll be here.”

“I know. That kept me going, thinking about you.”

Aaron gently reached forward and coaxed him to join him on the bed. He felt Spencer curl around him, then shake a little before settling in and falling into an exhausted sleep. At mid-day, Spencer woke up screaming. His fingers splayed out against the sheets, his teeth clenched and his breathing was labored. A sheen of sweat plastered his hair against his skin.

“Spencer… Spence… it’s OK… wake up… you’re having a nightmare… I’m here with you… you’re safe… I promise…”

Aaron stroked his hair away from his face, watching his honey brown eyes flutter open. 

“Aaron… it was Charlie… the constable… he was… and…”

“I know, baby. Rossi killed him. Charles Kincaid is dead, Spencer. He can’t hurt you.”

Spencer seemed to come out his dream a little more and he looked up at Aaron, his cheek pressed against Aaron’s shoulder.

“David will be up on charges, Aaron. Charlie didn’t have a gun.”

“He had a knife.”

“Still. David will be in trouble.”

“You let David deal with that. He’s a big boy. He already knows that. He knew it when he shot the son of a bitch.”

“If it hadn’t been me… would he have shot him?”

“Probably not. But it was you and David loves you and he told me that… let’s see, how did he put it? ‘If that cocksucker pulls through at the hospital and goes after that kid, I’ll walk right through him and absorb his fucking power.’”

Spencer let a half smile peek through the sadness.

“Tell David thank you for me.”

“Tell him yourself.”

“How long did it take Charlie to die?”

“He was pronounced dead at 8:32pm last night.”

“So, while I was in the hospital too?”

“Yes.”

“I hope he didn’t suffer.”

Another reason Aaron loved him.

“We need some time off, you and I,” Aaron said, stroking Spencer’s hair. “How about we use up some vacation days and take some time together?”

“But… if you have time off, you should be with Jack.”

“I agree, but Jack has a vacation with the grandparents coming up and they will be in Florida for two weeks. So, I have those two weeks to myself, and I would like to spend them with you. We can go somewhere, get away from work and all the craziness. I could really use the time away.”

“Are you sure it would be OK?”

“Yes, I’m sure. We’ll go anywhere you want. I’ve got the time and the money saved up. Pick a place. We’ll go.”

“When I was a kid, I used to love reading about castles and Roman-Celtic history. The Picts and King Arthur’s court… maybe Scotland?”

“Hmm, don’t you think that might remind you of what happened?”

Spencer thought about this a while, then licked his lips.

“Maybe. But I don’t want to stop wanting something because of Charlie Kincaid. Besides, his ideas were not the real thing. He just concocted his own mythology in his head. I’d like to go to Scotland if you want to go too.”

“I would love to go to Scotland with you, Spence. That is, if you promise to ramble on about every castle and tower and long lost Celtic king that we pass. Think you can educate an old dog?”

“I can try,” Spencer smiled and Aaron was pretty sure it was the hint of a real smile. Just a hint. “Aaron, I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

“Why would you think you are?”

“This. Look at me. I’m a mess and you’re taking care of me.”

“Because I love you. Look, all that I ask is that you come this evening and have dinner with us. You don’t have to say a word. Just let everyone know you’re surviving. OK?”

“I’ll try.”

“Tell David you love him.”

“I will, because I do. Is Garcia OK?”

“She fractured her ankle and she’s on crutches but she is doing just fine. She keeps calling and asking how her ‘Boy Wonder’ is. Just… let people love you.”

“I’m embarrassed.”

“You shouldn’t be, but I know you can’t help it. I want you to know that you are surrounded by people who love you and would do anything for you.”

“But won’t they be… angry? I mean, about you and I?”

“They will need time to adjust, but I don’t think they will be angry.”

“Do we have to tell them?”

Aaron smiled and kissed Spencer’s forehead.

“I think they figured it out when I kissed you and told you I love you in front of them.”

“How did they react?”

“Well, Morgan and Prentiss looked stunned. JJ said ‘whatever makes you happy’ and didn’t look surprised at all, and Garcia is planning our big gay wedding.”

Spencer smiled and buried his face in Aaron’s shoulder.

“Scotland will be nice.”

“Are you sure it won’t be difficult for you?”

“As long as I’m with you, I’ll be all right.”

“You’ll always be with me.”

It would take time for Spencer to heal from all that had happened. Aaron was all too aware of that solemn fact. He reminded himself to give Spencer time and to take time himself. They both needed time. He wondered how the hell he had fallen so hard for Spencer in such a short amount of time, and then dismissed the question because it didn’t matter. He was in love and he knew it would last. He had Spencer in his arms and that was all he wanted.


End file.
